Being Scared!

     Ok, so lets just say growing up I was easily scared. I was scared of any bugs, especially ones that
fly. The flying ones never know where they are going! The dark scared me as well as creepy noises. So my Dad, being the understanding parent he was, would go to great lengths to scare the crap out of me. For example, standing outside our living room window in the cold with a flashlight to his chin for twenty minutes until I seen him. I mean, C'mon, who does that??
      The worst scare he ever got on me was once when me and my buddy were playing basketball in the dark front yard. We made a rule that a free throw would come from standing against the car bumper parked in the front yard. Now let me tell you, we had a yard light in the back yard and in the front...nothing! Well dad decides to go out the back door and sneak around and scare us. He walks to the front yard, then on hand and knee, crawls across the yard and under the car. A few minutes later I step back to the car, lean against the bumper and prepare for my free throw. Suddenly he grabs my leg and screams. They say when you are scared you either flee or fight. I, on the other hand, screamed bloody murder, fell to my knees crying and could not catch my breath. My mom rushed from the house to see what was wrong. When she realized dad was laughing because he scared me she began to tell him how wrong he was. With every laugh he took her tone would get higher. She told him things like "one day your going to kill him!" "he almost passed out!" and "why would you scare him that bad!" I finally caught my breath and get my wits about me. Dad helped me up and with a laugh said he was sorry. I began to laugh and we all got a good kick out of it.
     To this day, I still worry he is behind the door when I walk through and I am much more aware of my surroundings. Also, I am pretty darn good at scaring my family now!!!

The Trip of Trips

   As I was growing up my parents would always come up with extra ways for us to earn money. Most of the time it was Mom who came up with the plans. However, one of the most memorable ones was thought up by Dad. He decided we should go into the doughnut business. We should buy this awesome doughnut vending trailer and sell these yummy little things at the flea markets on the weekends. He pitched the idea to Mom and after doing her Mom research she decided it was a go.

   A short time after the decision was finalized we proceeded to get packed up and head to get the trailer. This is where it gets fun. You see, we didn't have a big truck. No, we had a little Toyota SR5 stick shift with bucket seats. We used that truck for everything and never had much of a problem. This time though, we live in central florida and the doughnut trailer company was in Minnesota! You think that bothered the Grahams? Nope, just that much more of a challenge!

   Dad drove while Mom road shotgun and was chief navigator. I road on a pillow sitting on the center console with a leg on each side of the gear shift. We were off and luckily we had a whole five days to make the trip! Somewhere along the road I decided it was no longer comfortable in the front so I got in the back of the truck and went to sleep in the sleeping bag. I woke up just on the other side of Illinois!

   We finally reached our destination and finished the paper work. The trailer was as long as the truck and stuck up about five feet above it. Being in a hurry we quickly got hooked up and gone. We stopped for lunch at Mcdonalds and Mom decided they had such a pretty rock garden that we should get some rocks just like them for ours. Next stop, hardware store for rocks. Now the little truck is loaded with Lord knows how many bags of lava rocks and a trailer on the back. It began to snow and we were all three in awe of how pretty it was. However, we knew if we didn't get gone we could get stuck. It snowed on us all the way back down through Illinois where I was sleeping in the back of the truck just yesterday.

   It took forever but we finally made it back home safely thanks to Dads driving skills and Moms navigation. The next few days we practiced how to cook the doughnuts and get everything ready. The next weekend we were ready to get to selling. We headed up to the flea market about four a.m. Of course we were dressed for success. My Dad had on a matching hat and shirt that said Doughnut man, Moms of course said Doughnut woman and mine, you guessed it, said Doughunt boy. The first outing was quite a success and we sold lots of doughnuts and coffee. We continued doing this all summer til we finally decided it was no longer fun to get up at 4 in the morning to go make the doughnuts and sold the trailer to the next business man looking to make a buck!

a little yellow jon boat!

         Growin up i couldn't tell how poor we really were. I pretty much had everything i could have wanted. I mean, we even had a bass boat to fish out of. it was a metal jon boat that was painted a bright yellow color. I guess the previous owner was afraid he might lose it! anyways, it was a great boat. It did have a few cracks in the bottom that had fiberglass resin put on em real thick so they wouldn't leak. they still leaked though, so we always kept a jug to bail the water out. Me and my Dad would load that sucker up in the back of the pick up truck and head for the nearest mine pit we could find. Most of the time we would have to sneak it over a fence or two but back then nobody would give us crap about being there. great times.

        One summer we decided to head to a local pit to fish. It had a real long steep bank that we had to slide the boat down. The front of the pit was small but open water. The middle of the pit was full of cattails that were real thick. We used a machete to cut a halfway decent path through them to the back of the pit that was big and open with some of the best fishing around. Now these pits were dug with a huge crane so the banks were like mountains that kept you from seeing the horizon or an approaching storm. We were too caught up in fishin to notice the dark clouds coming up and before we knew it it started to rain. It quickly began to come a storm of storms and dad decided we better head for the nearest bank to wait it out. As the boat quickly filled with water from the flood, and lack of bailing, we made it to the bank. Me, Dad and the dog hunkered down under the nearest little tree there was. I was scared to death and Im sure Dad had to be but he sure didn't show it. Lightning began to flash and boom all around us while the wind and rain got even harder. I was sure that we were going to be struck by lightning and it must just be our time to go. Fear does weird things to people I guess because all of a sudden we began to laugh. The laughter suddenly got louder and more constant with every bolt of lightning and wind gust. I quickly found myself scared to death, freezing and, in a weird way, having one of the best fishing days I could imagine.
   
       After several hours the wind and rain began to let up. We bailed out the water and headed for the truck. It was beginning to get dark and even though the lightning didn't kill us we were both pretty sure Mom would kill dad for having me out in such a storm! Heck we figured she might kill me too just for letting dad put us in harms way. The thought of that started the laughter all over again and we laughed all the way home.

ps.....Mom was fine with it and expected no less from to two of us!!

The Mailbox Bandits

Later on in my teens I seemed to find way to have fun with my buddies that probably were not the best things to do. Don't get me wrong, we never did drugs or got arrested for anything. It was just when we did do something a bit on the edge getting caught was never on my mind. That's why i just about always got caught.

When i was younger I always thought how cool it was when my dad could throw a Pepsi bottle out the drivers window, all the way across the hood and hit a road sign dead on. So when I became old enough to drive it just came natural to me I guess. Now don't let me pass the blame to Pops at all. I knew exactly how bad it was and what the hell could happen to me. The only problem I had was bottles were just too easy.

One night my buddies, cousin and me were out lookin for somethin to do. We were so bored and with a bad case of small town blues. As we were riding around I finished a soda off and quickly decided to show off my skills. I threw the bottle across the car and nailed the sign. All my buddies were greatly impressed and we all decided at that moment we had found something to do. We began to search for bottles and with not much luck one of my buddies exclaimed "my Dad's got a bunch of watermelons at my house!" That was a no brainer to the rest of us so off to his house we went. Now, it just so happens that his house was just down the street from my house. We began to stuff my little Ford Escort with as many watermelons as we could with the four of us in the car. We didn't go far before we decided to try one out on an old mailbox. With the car speeding down the road I eased over close and my buddy tossed one out the window. WHAM!! The watermelon had taken the whole damn mailbox off its post. We were in awe to say the least.

I think we had hit maybe one other box and missed quite a few when we came up on a four boxes all in a row. They were on the left side of the road so I eased over to that side and hurled my melon out the window. A loud bang was heard and cheers roared through the car. We decided that it was regroup time and probably would be best to get out of our own neighborhood. We stopped on a short dirt road down from the house and picked up another one of my friend who was riding with someone else. He had decided he would like to go with us on our venture. He had no idea what was fixin to take place.

After he loaded up we headed out and decided to take the back way to a different town. As we drove down the road we had to pass the dirt road that led to my house. As we approached it we began to make out a couple of people standin by a parked truck at the end of the road. Once we got close enough to see who it was I realized it was my Mom and A man I knew from her office. I slowed down and Mom jumped in front of the car and pointed to the house in a way I will never forget. Not a word was spoken but I knew exactly what she was sayin. As we passed them and headed for the house I could overhear them talking about weather or not the man was gonna whoop my ass or not. My cousin broke the silence of the car by saying he didn't think she was too mad since she didn't say anything. I told him he was wrong, dead wrong and we were probably fixin to witness my last day on our wonderful planet.

We sat inside the livin room like criminals waitin a trial. When Mom hit the door she busted in like gangbusters. She was on my like bees on honey. She would ask me a question and I would just say I don't know. She informed me that the man was actually her best client from work and that I would be fixin his mailbox along with the rest of them. Dad was sitting there quiet as normal with the most disappointed look on his face and just kept agreeing with Mom. She finally asked me where in the world I would get such a stupid idea. Well, since we had told them nothing of the watermelon and that it was only bottles I said "well dad can hit a sign from the driver side of his truck!" Dad's eyes got big as moons and his face was overtook with shame. Mom said "See this is exactly why you don't do that kinda crap in front of him!" I felt horrible for throwin him under the bus but it did take a few of the bullets from me...lol.

We finally settled in for the night. Dad took my buddies home and they were scared to death the whole ride. I was so glad that Mom never found out that we were throwin watermelons and not bottles. I really think that helped keep me from gettin killed. However, when I awoke the next mornin I was already prepared to go fix the mailboxes. I was not prepared to find Mom and Dad sittin at the supper table with a great big bowl of watermelon that dad had scraped off the side of my car. My heart stopped beating at that moment!!

A Band Practice Memory!

Yes, it is true, I was in band. However, band was freakin awesome when we were in school!! We basically got to miss about twice as many days of school as normal kids. Plus, most of the girls were either in band, flag corp or majorettes!!! Not a bad thing!!

So, we would have band practice after school everyday to get ready for our field competitions. Our band director Mr. Shayman was a trip. He was a short jewish man with a quick temper. He was about as good a director as you could have. We were like one big family and he thought of us as his kids. When he did get mad, though, he would sometimes blow a gasket, turn red as a beat and scream and cuss!

Well, one day there was a director from the University of Miami to watch us perform and critic us. In class Mr. Shayman made it clear that he did not want anyone leaving after school. We were to stay around till practice started. He told us "if you leave you will be kicked out of band. Especially Wayne, Walt and Colon!

Normally we would leave as soon as the bell rang and run to the junior high then make it back just in time for practice. However, since Shayman was so serious this time we decided we might as well do it again. We would leave and be back before he ever knew we were gone anyways. what could it hurt?

The bell rang and we sprinted to my buddy Walt's awesome blue Toyota station wagon. He fired it up and we skedaddled to the junior high so Colon could see his girlfriend. Once we got there Colon got out to talk to his girlfriend, Walt got out to do whatever Walt does, and I sat in the car. Finding myself bored I began to play with the shifter and whatever I could find. Finally the time came and we had just enough time to make it back. Walt and Colon jumped back in the car. Walt turned the key to fire it up and nothing! The engine wouldn't even turn over. We began to ask everyone we could find for jumper cables till we finally found someone. With just a little time to spare we hooked up the cables and still NOTHING! We all began to panic and freak out. There was no way we could make it in time now. We began to wonder what life was goin to be like with us three dead. We were certain Shayman would kill us!

I believe we decided to run a couple blocks to my Mom's office. Maybe she could give us some insight as to what to do. We decided there that we could just wait till the next day and tell Shayman it was an emergency and then we got in a fender bender or something. However, Walt decided for some reason to bring his horn with him. It was a school issued horn and was not suppose to leave campus. Basically, we had to take it back or we would be in trouble for sure. We decided that if we drove in the back way and parked in the teacher parking lot we could sneak our way to the band room without being seen. We went back to the car to see if there was any way we could fix it. When we got there and inspected it I found that "someone" had shifted it into neutral and that's why it wouldn't start!!

We began our journey to the band room trying to be as unseen as possible. When we reached the band room Walt put his horn up and we were fixing to leave when a runner (junior high helper) came in. He said he had seen us and came to check it out. He told us nobody else had seen us and he promised to not say a word. We thanked him and beat it to the car. Once we got to the car and got gone we were relieve to say the least. As we drove back to Mom's office Colon decided to chime in with "I don't think we will be in that much trouble cause I left Shayman a note to explain it!" Mine and Walt's heart both stopped beating! We were back to being dead men walking!

The next day when we faced our fears Shayman must have been in a good mood. He decided to let us off by apologizing in person to the band, drill team, majorettes, the director from Miami! He also give us about an hour of his deepest thoughts of the situation. He called us every name I could think of and a few I hadn't heard of but use to this day! We promised we learned our lesson and by golly we did!! Till the next practice!!!

Pepe'!

Ole Pepe' was a Chihuahua that we inherited when Grandma passed. He was small in size but made up for it with his temper. One minute he would be your best buddy and the next he would be on ya like a buzz saw. He was definitely a lot of fun to have around.

My family had rented a home just outside of our town that was way out in the woods. It was just a short jaunt from the house down to the river. Me and Dad would walk down there every few days and fish off the bank. Most of the time Pepe' would follow along on our heels.

One day while we were walkin along I told Pepe' he was in for a long walk today because we were gonna walk for quite a ways. We had been walkin and fishin on and off for a couple of hours when suddenly I noticed Pepe' was no where to be found. Me and Dad both called and called for him but he never came back. He was definitely gone! At that time Dad said exactly what I was thinking "A gator might have got him!" I began to get a very heavy feeling in my heart and tears started to well up in my eye. I would not except the fact that a gator could have gotten him. I hadn't even seen a gator anywhere around us. So, I began to search frantically through the woods. Suddenly I heard a noise coming from above me. That's when I seen it. There on its nest was a huge Osprey and he was rippin and tearin at some kind of small animal. Right then I knew Pepe' had met his fate and was destined to become lunch to the huge bird. I began to cry at the loss of such a great family pet. He had been through so much in his life that I couldn't bare to think he went out like this. Let alone the fact that I should have been responsible enough to keep a keen eye out for him. I mean, I for one definitely know that an Osprey eats rabbits and other small animals. The more I thought about it the harder I would cry and Dad was doing his best not to cry and just console me!

I decided that the big bird was not goin to eat all of my dog. I would have some of him left to bury. I would seek revenge and bring death to the cold blooded bird. As I marched with haste back towards the house through the woods Dad asked what I was goin to do. I told him I was goin back to get the shotgun and blast that Damn bird and the rest of Pepe' out of the nest. He didn't say a word after that. If he did I sure couldn't hear him over my crying. I could hardly breath every time the thought of what happened would come to mind. After what seemed like forever I finally reached the backyard to the house. I began to pick up the pace. The closer I got to the house the faster I was running. I sprinted around the house to the front door and to my disbelief there in all his glory was Pepe'. That was probably the only time in my life that Ive ever had thoughts of killing a dog. Of course my Dad found it to be one of the most hilarious things he had ever seen. I fell to my knees and began to clutch onto Pepe and pet him. What a day!!

Three Wheeler!!

After weeks of begging to Mom about gettin us a three wheeler, she finally caved in. Me and Dad were stoked! That Saturday we went and bought a brand new Honda 185s. It was awesome. Once we got it home we rode it around the yard a few times until Mom got upset because it was tearing up the grass. The next day was to be our first outing to the sand dunes with it and I couldn't wait.

The next morning we were loaded up and ready to go. Mom made sure to remind us of the deal that she made with us. The deal was that if either of us got hurt on the three wheeler that it would be gone. We assured her we would be very careful and headed out the door.

Me and Dad took turns riding up and down the sand dunes. We were having an absolute blast on the thing. The next time it was my turn I decided to race another kid down the dirt road. I was winning of course when we came to a turn in the road. I was worried a vehicle might be coming the other way so I locked the brakes up. The three wheeler must of been worried too because it decided to leave the road all together. I hit a massive load of dirt just off the side of the road, flipped the bike end over end landing sprawled out in the middle of the road. My shoulder was hurting so bad I couldn't ride back so the other kid went back for Dad. Dad loaded the bike up in the truck and we headed home for the day. My collar bone was pointed up like a tee pee as if it was trying to come through the skin. Very painful. We both knew that this was probably the end of the three wheeler if my bone was broke.

When we got home I sat down on the couch clutching my arm and trying not to move at all. Dad came in with Mom and told her I had crashed but he was sure my collar bone wasn't broken. I gathered everything I had and told her I was fine. However, nurse Mom decided she should take a look. After she looked at it she politely told us both that it was definitely broken and I would have to go the hospital.

Well ya see, in my family if you have to go to the hospital then that means you must first take a shower! So, after my shower we went to the hospital. My collar bone was broken and was definitely about to break the skin. The doctor said it would be ok and proceeded to put a brace that resembled a bra on me. When he tightened the dang thing up it made my chest poke out like a screwed up chicken. Mom decided to let us keep the three wheel and the day after I got my brace off I proceeded to break my wrist. But that's a different story all together!!

Writing Contest!!!

As I had mentioned prior to this, I entered a short story in a contest in effort to expand my blog readers. Much to my surprise, my story was actually picked as one of the five finalist! Hooraaay me!! lol. Anyways, I'm including a link for everyone to find it so what are you waiting on....go check it out!! http://the -new-authot.blogspot.com/

The Sunny Side of Bass Fishing!

If you don't already know, I love to fish for Bass. I would do just about anything to spend a day on the lake in search of my favorite fish. The best part of all the time I spend on the water is that I have accumulated a ton of funny stories. I don't have the ability to remember the order in which they came. So, I'll just pass them along as they come to me.

I've always enjoyed fishing in Bass tournaments. It's always fun to fish and the competition part makes it just that much better. So when I started dating my wife I asked her would she be interested in fishin some tournaments with me. She told me she would like to but she had never fished for Bass before. I told her not to worry she didn't even have to fish if she didn't want because i didn't care if we won or not. It didn't take long for her to decide to do it. I found a perfect tournament trail that consisted of men and women. I entered us and we were on our way!

The first tourney came and I was excited. My wife was excited as well and was trying to prepare for what was to come. While Me, her, and a friend of ours were shopping she asked should she get a rain coat. Me and my buddy just kinda laughed and said we don't think you'll be needing it. She decided she should probably get it anyways. The night before the tourney it began to rain hard and the temperature began to plunge. When we woke up the next mornin it was still raining and had turned cold. I told her that if she didn't want to fish it was just fine with me. To my surprise she told me she was ready for anything and began to put on her rain suit. This caught me off guard a bit cause I really didn't want to get out in the cold rain. However, I was definitely not goin to let her beat me out so I decided to get ready. I made a quick call to my Dad to ask him where my rain suit was. Much to my surprise good ole Dad told me he had taken them out and hung them in the barn to air out so they wouldn't smell. Great!! I told my wife this wouldn't be a problem for me at all. I put on a pair of sweatpants under my blue jeans, two t shirts, a sweatshirt and then my fishing shirt. I also put on a ski hat and some gloves. Ready to go!!!

We launched the boat at safe light which is way too early to be on the water in a down pour. The wind had also picked up making life that much better. We decided to head into one of the nearby canals in an effort to avoid as much wind as possible. Everything seemed to be goin just fine. My wife was lookin cute as could be in her new rain suit and was fishin her tail off. I was dry as could be and almost hot. Unfortunately, It only took about an hour before I realized my clothing was soakin up the water like a sponge. As the water made it through my jeans and into my sweatpants I began to get colder and colder. Not only that, my clothes also became heavier and heavier. I was determined not to let it get the best of me!

Just about the time I was about to give in the rain stopped. After quietly thanking the good Lord I told my wife "See, its not gonna be that bad!" She replied "I'm fine but I know you have to be freezin your butt off!" Even though she was dead on I said "Naw, Im just fine!" as I pulled up my heavy britches. About that time we actually began to catch some fish. With every fish I began to forget about the cold and began to have a great time. We finished inside the top ten and was very excited at our placement in our very first trip. I was happy to get dried off and drove home in my underwear. I couldn't have been happier with my wife. She was quite the trooper and we still fish together as often as we can!!

Fishing

Figured I would post this story. I sent this in to a contest for short stories just to see how I might do. I'm sure I could never win something like that but it sure was fun to write! Hope you enjoy!

Its Saturday night and I cannot go to sleep. I keep tossing and turning and looking at my alarm clock that is set to go off at four a.m. Finally, I dose off about two in the morning just knowing I'm gonna not hear the alarm. I quickly wake up and look at the clock and its three fifty eight. I turn the alarm off and quietly begin to prepare for the adventure I have been waiting for all week. Just as I leave the bedroom and move to the kitchen I see Dad and he asks me "You ready?" I quickly reply with a "Yes sir, lets go!" With the boat in tow we head towards the lake. It seems to take forever to reach the boat ramp. Thoughts of what kind of memories the day will bring fill my head. I haven't another care or thought in the world. We slide the jonboat out of the back of the truck and into the water. Dad hooks up the trolling motor and we are away. The sun has just began to rise and the lake has fog just about five feet off the water. The water is dead calm and there is not a sound to be heard. It was one heck of a sight to behold. As we glided across the water a very large blue heron effortlessly flew directly across in front of me. He was huge with a giant wingspan. I watched in awe as he landed in the shallow and began his day of fishing. Finally Dad said "Ok, this looks like a good place to start!" The shoreline where we were at was lined with trees. Some of the trees were overhanging the water while others had actually fallen to a watery grave. There were also a few lilypads and cattails mixed into the wooded structure. This was definitely a place where I would live if i were a Large Mouth Bass. As the sun burned away the fog you could hear the wilderness come to life. Frogs, birds and other wildlife began to stir. Fish began to break the water and you could see the rings of waves left behind. My mind was suddenly transported back to reality when Dad exclaimed "there he is!" He set the hook and his pole bent from the size of the fish that had taken the bait. Dad said "It feels like a good one" as if I wasn't excited enough already. I was anxious to see this fish and he was quick to not disappoint me. The Bass broke the surface and launched itself into the air shaking with everything it had trying to throw the hook loose. When he reentered the water he dug for the depths as Dads drag peeled from his reel. I began to coach Dad as if he was a little league player. I shouted "Don't force him" and "Keep your rod bent!" Finally, after what seemed to be at least an hour Dad brought the monster alongside the boat and said "Grab him and don't miss!" Inspired by the fact that Dad intrusted me to bring this prize of a fish he had into the boat overwhelmed me. I reached into the water and grasped the fish by the bottom lip and began to raise him into the boat. He splashed me one last time with his tail with what seemed like one last attempt at freedom. With a grin that went from ear to ear I turned to hand the fish to Dad. He seemed to have the same exact smile on his face as I did but there was something a bit different about it. We got a camera out of the tackle box and snapped away a few pictures of the trophy Dad had landed! Dad gave the fish back to me and said "Here you can release him." I took one last look at this amazing fish and then gently eased him into the water. After a second or two the fish realized where he was and took off with haste. As the fish disappeared into the depths Dad said "Just think how big he will be the next time we catch him!" We fished well into the afternoon while catching a few and losing a few. However, none came close to the size of the first one. Finally, it was time to go and we stowed our gear and headed back to the truck. With the boat loaded and smiles on our faces we returned to the house. We both couldn't wait to tell our story of the big fish and show off the pictures.


Twenty something years later and I still remember this and every fishing trip that Dad and I shared. We still go fishing together on a regular basis and I still get just as excited about every trip. However, it took me becoming a Dad myself to actually understand the difference in my smile and Dads that day. Thanks Dad!

Mako's Greatest Day!

Mako was the name of my dad's dog. He was a thick Bull Terrier breed. If you don't know the kind of dog just think Spuds Mckenzie, cept black with white spots. He was like a tank and solid muscle. A bit crazy when he was young, to say the least, but a very good dog. He cost a lot of money and paid us back two fold with some of the crazy stuff he did. Just a good tempered all around pooch. That is why my parents decided to breed him and make some money!

Well, Mom and Dad got a call from a lady that was very interested in using Mako for stud service. They sent her pictures so she could see his markings and she decided she wanted to do it. The next Saturday she came to the house. One of my crazy aunts was also visiting us at the time. I waited with anticipation to see what the ladies dog was goin to look like. Her and my parents reached an agreement and the lady walked to her car. When she returned she had her dog on the leash. She was a pretty female and was all white. The lady also had in her hand a ziploc bag that had another ziploc and what appeared to be some sort of small tube.

Much to our amazement the lady got Mako and took him around to the other side of the barn. She didn't take the female dog with her. It took a few for us to figure out what she was goin to do. Oh my goodness! Lets just say this lady had taken this step of the breeding process in her hand! My aunt kept askin my Mom and Dad what she was doin around there. We were laughin at the thought of it and my aunt askin questions didn't help matters at all.

The lady returned from around the barn. Mako was following her and panting as if he had ran a marathon. When the lady got close we noticed that she had a ziploc bag tucked under her arm pit. She was also in quite a hurry. She asked Dad if he could help hold the female dog still and he said he would. So, as he was holdin the dog the lady took out the tube thing and filled it with the specimen she had collected from dads dog. She then took the tube and inserted it into the female dogs you know what. Then (this is the kicker) she proceeded to put her mouth on the other end and blow the specimen home to its targeted area!!! I can tell you that we all were a damn fine sight to see at that moment. My aunts face was worth a million dollars. She kept sayin "Oh my!! ewwwe, gross!" The lady then told us that this is the best way she knew of to make sure the breeding process would take. I can tell you this, I never would have a need for a puppy that bad! However, she did make a friend for life out of Mako!!!

The Hog In the Barn!

One day not too long ago while I was at my parents house my Mom yelled there was a hog in the yard. My parents live within the city limits so its kinda unusual. Now remember we are talkin bout a small town and not a big city so its only a bit unusual. I quickly decided I should go outside and catch it. Not that I've ever caught one before, I just figured this one would be the first. By the time I got my boots on and ran out the back door the hog was all the way across the grove. Way too far out of my range so I decided to give up.

Well, about a week later Mom went out to the barn to feed the dog. She came flyin back in the house and yelled that there was another hog and this time he was in the barn with the dog. I knew this was my chance to shine so I put my boots on and headed to the barn. When I entered the barn I couldn't believe what I seen. The dog was asleep next to his food dish and this giant hog was asleep right over by him. As soon as I seen this mammoth of a hog I decided he probably didn't want me to wake him up let alone catch him. He was much bigger than me, white with brown spots. He also had tusks that were sticking out about an inch and were broke off. I wasn't sure how he broke em but I knew I didn't want to find out. So I headed back for the house.

I told Mom I would need some help in apprehending the suspect and that me and Dad probably couldn't pull it off without a trip to the hospital. She agreed and decided to call one of our Cowboy type family friends. After a bit of laughter he told her he would be right over. He arrived with a cow trailer and backed it in the yard. I quickly showed him the hog and he said he had a plan and it wouldn't be a problem. He proceeded to get a rope and to boards that were about three feet tall with handle cut in them at the top. He handed me the rope and gave one of the boards to Dad. I basically understood what the rope was for but the boards had me a bit baffled. When I asked him what the boards were for he told me they were to hold in front of you in case the hog charge at ya. That way he wouldn't hit you and hurt ya. Then I asked him how come I didn't get a board and he replied "Your young enough to get out of the way!" Great plan!

The three of us entered the barn. When he seen the hog laying there he said it was definitely a big hog. He told me him and Dad would get his attention and all I had to do was slip the lasso end of the rope around the hogs neck. Ok, my next question was what should I expect the hog to do once I put it around its neck. He said "Well he's gonna try to get away, so don't let go!" Keeping to the unbelievably intricate plan, I eased up to the hog. He was laying on his side so I realized there was no way to put the rope all the way around his neck without him pickin his head up off the floor. I figured I should just touch him with the rope first to let him know I meant no harm. Little did I know that a gentle touch from a rope meant be afraid for your life in hog language. The dang hog lept to his feet faster within a split second. Somehow in all my steppin and fetchin scared panic I wound up with the dang rope around his neck. He hit the board Dad was holdin one time and almost knocked him off his feet. Before he managed to pull me out the barn our Cowboy friend grabbed that sucker by his back feet. The two of us pulled the giant from the barn and out to the trailer. This is where the fun began!

When we stopped at the trailer the Cowboy guy told me to drop down on my knees on top of the hog and don't let him up. I know, I said the same thing "Excuse me, What?" Well he repeated his self and I decided to man up. When I put all my pressure on the hog he kept trying to get up. I told them that the hog was bigger than me and if he gets up I was gonna run like hell. At this time the Cowboy guy got out his trusty ole pocket knife and opened up a big blade. I said "Well hell, if your gonna kill him why didn't ya just do it in the barn?" He replied "I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna cut off his manhood so hold him good!" Ok, wait, since when is cutting his manhood off better than just killin him? When he cut them the poor hog started yellin and kickin. Then once he cut them off the hog seemed OK again. There must be somethin about bein a Cowboy that makes ya think you should play with them after you cut them off. He held them up to me and asked me if I wanted them. "Um, that's a big no!" I replied. He laughed for a second and then said "lets put him in the trailer!" The hog seemed just fine in the trailer and was off to his brand new home. Needless to say I haven't decided to catch any other hogs after that one!!

Biloxi trip!

My oldest cousin from Miami came along with us on a trip to Biloxi Mississippi. He was one of the large group of my crazy kinfolk we had goin. I knew this trip would be a blast. There's just no way to get all my family together and not have a great time.

Once we arrive at the airport I find out that my cousin has never flown. He also let me know he was quite nervous about it too. Not the best info to share with my family. Not that I told anyone but the word somehow got around. Well once my Dad found out it was on in a big way.

We get to the gate and are waiting to board the plane. Me and my cousin are looking out the window admiring the plane and all the work they were doin to ready it. My Dad walks over, looks at the plane and says "What the hell is that drippin out of the plane!" He also states "I'm not gettin on that bird til they tell me what the heck that is!" He then walked off. I looked at my cousin and his facial expression took a turn for the worse. About to burst into laughter I told him I was sure they would check it out.

We boarded the plane and took our seats. My cousin was sitting directly across from me and my Dad was right behind him. Not good! Every little noise the plane made my Dad would whisper loudly to my Mom "What was that?" My cousin could hear every word and was getting more pale looking with every statement.

Finally, they began to push the plane back with the push truck. Low and behold the dang push pole thingy on the truck broke with a loud boom. It shook the plane a bit and we come to a halt. I thought at that very moment they were either gonna have to restrain my cousin, let him off the plane or he was just gonna have a heart attack and die right there. He was a bit freaked out to say the least. Dad started to say something about the noise when Mom interrupted him and said "Damn it, you better stop before you kill him!" We all began to laugh at the top of our lungs. Even the stewardess was laughin. My cousin didn't quite see the humor in it and decided to order his first beer of many.

By the time we left the ground I think he might have been about done with a six pack. By the time the plane leveled out he was feelin pretty good! He wasn't pale no more and began to cut the fool with everyone. He had us all in stitches!! What a great trip!

My Boots!

Somewhere around the month of May during grade school my Mom and I went to a western wear shop. We were there to talk to the owner because he was a client of Mom's. She told me to just look around until she got done. I took her advice and broused around checkin out all kinda western cowboy stuff. As I reached the boot department I noticed one pair just seemed to be callin my name. They were the most awesome boots I ever seen. The person workin the boot section said they were made of real Ostrich skin. They had a blue grey tint with darker color up the ankles. After finding a pair to fit I slid my foot in and it was like it was meant to be. I ran back to Mom and asked her could I get them. She said no at first but I was persistant. I begged, she said no, i begged, again no. She said school would be out real soon and I would need sneakers to play in. I promised her I wouldn't need sneakers and pleaded that I never had boots before.

Finally, Mom caved in and told me I could get them but when it come time for sneakers we wouldn't be able to afford any. I knew she was right because the boots were very expensive. No worries, who needs sneakers anyways.

Well, school ended and summer was here. Time to play everyday! I told Mom I needed some sneakers to play in and she quickly reminded me about the boot story. After pouting for a bit I decided I didn't need any anyways. So off I went to play. I was definately a sight for sore eyes. I had on a play shirt, shorts, tube socks and them boots. It was hell just to ride my bike with them on. I also caught quite a bit of ridicule from the neighborhood kids. Course they didn't look much better. But at least they had sneakers. When we would play backyard football or baseball I would be slippin around like a wet fish on a greasy dock. Needless to say I did wear them the whole summer. Think thats the first pair of shoes I ever got all my money out of. Heck I even wore them shoppin with Mom. Who say's boots don't go with shorts!!!

Grandma's Slip and Fall!!

My Grandmother came to live with us when I was still in grade school. This worked out real well for me because I could come straight home after school. She was also laid back and easy going and I got along great with her. Later on she got to where she didn't walk real good so we would basically take care of each other. I would stay inside with her until Mom got home. We would watch T.V. or she would crochet while I found something to do. It was kinda tuff being a teenager at the time but it was my duty to take care of her and she deserved my best. I mean, hell, she took care of my ornery butt for years!

So one day we were at the house and Grandma decided she would take her usual shower before Mom got home. I told that was cool with me and to just holler if she needed anything. I grabbed me a snack, kicked back on the couch for some of my T.V. time. I was sitting there minding my business, munchin away, when suddenly it happened. First I heard a terrible whoooooo sound that was loud and clear. Imediately following the siren sound I hear this loud thud, clang, clang....sounded like someone dropped a giant bag of taters on a tin roof. I knew exactly what the noise was. No Way This Just Happened!! I ran to the bathroom and yelled to Grandma "Are you O.K?" She sounded as if she was crying when she responded with "Yea I'm alright!" Whew!! Thank Goodness!! I was relieved and just fixing to walk away from the bathroom when she said those awful words "I can't get up, can you come help me?" Oh Lordy!! Well I knew how I took a shower and was pretty darn sure she was naked. This was not a sight I really wanted to put my eyes on. I asked her was she sure and she said yes. What could I do. I swallowed my pride and entered the bathroom. I tried to keep from looking as I got a towel for her to cover up with. She covered herself the best she could. I realized then that she wasn't crying. She was laughing and said "Ain't this a fine mess I've gotten us into!" I grabbed her by her hand and tried to tug her to her feet. This was not an easy task as she outweighed me by about double. I got her turned around with her feet out of the tub and with one quick pull I got her to her feet. Just my luck she didn't have the towel wrapped good and down it went. Well, being a young man at the time it was always fun to see some boobies. However, I can surely attest that Grandma's weren't made for a young mans eyes!! I turned my head as fast as I could and she almost knocked me down tryin to get the towel back up. We began to laugh til we both bout peed ourselves. I will never forget my Grandma! She was special for sure! just wait, there's plenty of Grandma stories to come!!!! Love Ya Grandma!!

The Fire??

This story is from just a couple years ago. I told ya I'd write em as they come to me didn't I? As you should be able to figure out by now, the ole brain power doesn't usually work on command.

Anyway, me and my lovely wife had finally gotten the final paper work done up on our new house. We purchased her grandmothers how because she wanted us to have it and it is by far more of a house than I ever would've hoped for. It's definitely a beauty! So, after getting all moved in and living there for a few weeks things seemed to be back to normal. We were finally back to our usual routine and living in our dream house.

Wednesday had been my bowling night for the past few years. It was always a treat cause it was just me and the guys. It was always good to see them and the competition was always fun. One night just after I had started bowling my phone rang. It was my wife and I figured something must be wrong cause she never calls on bowling night. When I answered I could tell she was in a panic by the tone of her voice. She told me she didn't know what to do but she smelled wires burning and it was very strong in the garage and bathroom. She couldn't see any flames yet. Figuring she was probably jumping to conclusions I told her I would be there in a few. I told my buddies I had to run. Jumped in my truck and headed for the house. The longer I drove the more I thought about the fact that our dream house could be on fire. I had the truck goin ninety to nothin and got to the house in record time. My wife met me at the door and showed me where she was smelling it. Sure as the world when I entered the bathroom I could smell wires burning and it was strong. I knew something was wrong now. I ran to the garage and smelled it there too. Opening the stairs to the attic I figured I would see fire. When I opened it I seen smoke and could smell it but there was no flames yet. Still I wasn't sure it was bad enough to call the fire department though. Climbing back down from the attic I told my wife it looks ok and not to worry. Quickly I began to search for a flashlight so I could pinpoint the wires in the attic and stop them from melting. Just my luck there wasn't a working flashlight in the house. This is where it gets fun.

Remembering that I had left a flashlight in the barn, I told my wife to wait and let me run get it. Scrambling out the back door I could smell it even stronger. I ran out of our screen porch towards the barn when I decided to look back at the house. Right beside the porch is the kitchen and just above the kitchen window smoke was bellowing out of the roof overhang like crazy. Holy crap!! As I headed back to the house I started yelling to my wife to call nine one one. She did and the fire department was sent out. My wife started crying and I was like a chicken with my head cut off. No way was I gonna let all my stuff burn in this house. I went and turned off the breaker box. The house was now pitch black and you could see smoke rising from it when you stood in the front yard. Already I had come to the conclusion that as soon as I seen flames I was going to start grabbing our stuff and throwing it through the windows. I figured I could probably come close to getting it all out if needed. Right about then the fire department showed up with two great big trucks and a dozen men with oxygen tanks, masks, and the whole get up. They were armed for war and it was gonna be bad.

The firemen swarmed the house like crazed wolves lookin for a snack. I just knew if the hoses came on all our stuff would be ruined for sure. The Captain asked me to show him where I saw the smoke. As I led him to the backyard he said he could smell it too. When he seen the smoke coming from overhang he yelled something on his radio and went back in to the kitchen. When we got to the kitchen another fireman came in and the Captain told him to make some access holes in the ceiling and walls of the kitchen. I was definitely freaking out now! I pleaded to the captain to check the attic again before ripping up the kitchen and he reluctantly said ok. Another fireman came in and asked me and the Captain to show him the smoke. As they followed me onto the screen porch the fireman said "I found the fire!" Not laughing a bit I told him "I don't think that was much funny!" He pointed his flashlight at an old plastic flower pot that was on the porch in the corner by the kitchen. It was full of peat moss and my wife would put her cigarettes out in it. However, this time it didn't go out! The pot was burning inside without any flames. It was making a ton of smoke from the peat as well as the melting plastic. The thick smoke was traveling up the dark wall out of the porch and under the overhang in front of the kitchen window. I felt about two inches tall and apologized as I began my apologies. He told me he was happy with the turn out especially how it looked to begin with. We came out of the house to the crowd that had gathered in the front yard. We were laughing about it and my crying wife couldn't understand why. She was still crying and getting more pissed as I tried to stop laughing to explain it to her. Finally, she realized the house wasn't goin to burn down and was relieved. She hugged my neck and said "Thank God!" The Captain then asked her "Ma,am, could you please get yourself some more ashtrays!"

One Of My Crazy Cousin Stories!

Both my Mom and Dad's families are of the large variety. So, growin up I had a bunch of dad gum cousins. Just about every one of my cousins were bout half nuts. When we all got together there was no tellin what we would get into. As you can probably guess I have many stories about my family get togethers. Reckon I might as well share one with ya.

Out of all my cousins there was one that kept us laughin most all of the time. He was about the same age as me. He came from a family of three brothers in which he was the youngest. I'm pretty sure that might have helped get him used to being picked on. His two older brothers never cut that sucker any slack. That's just the way he liked it though!
Anyways, Their family wasn't from the country at all. They came from a very big city and were a bit unsteady with the country ways. Some weekends they would drive up and visit for the weekend. It was something I always looked forward to because you always knew it would be a fun time.

Being from the city i'm sure was a big difference. Ya see in the big city where they lived it never really was dark. Nor where there as many animals runnin around. I'm pretty sure the change of environment is what they liked the most.

One time my cousin came to stay with us a whole week. I knew I had better watch my p's and q's while he was there because trouble seemed to hunt the both of us. Since he was stayin a week he had to share my chores with me just like he was livin there. This was fine with me because I was old enough to know I was allergic to work. One night we had been getting on each others nerves quite a bit. He had been jackin with me that afternoon and I was set for revenge. After dinner I realized he had forgot to feed the dog we had outside. I told him he had to do it but he said he would do it the next day. Somehow it came up in conversation with me and Mom. You know I wasn't trying to tell on him. Yea right. Sucker! Well after Mom told him in a nice Mom like manner to get it done he decided the dog probably needed to eat.

The best part was that the dogs house was out back under an oak tree a pretty good ways from the house. It was very dark out there and I knew he was unsteady about the dark. He got the bag of dog food and headed out the back door. He looked around then headed for the dog house slow but steady. Once he reached the dogs dish he began to pour the dog food while checking his surroundings the whole time. He finished pouring the bowl full looked around then bolted for the house. He was steppin and fetchin like a cat in a dog kennel. Just as he got about half way back to the house I decided the time was right. I quickly locked the sliding glass door then stood there in anticipation. Once he reached the back door you could see the fear in his eyes. I wish I would've had a camera when he realized the back door was locked. He was in a panic. When he looked at me I looked behind him and acted like something was there. Just about that time is when I realized Mom was watching too. For some reason she didn't see as much humor in it as I did. She told me to unlock the door in a tone I was all too familiar with. I unlocked it and he came bustin in the house. He was pissed to say the least. Mom made me apologize so I did. He knew there was no reason for an apology because you could already see him plotting his revenge!!

The Bicycle Stories #2

Somewhere along my childhood days my Dad and Mom decided to dig a big pond next to our house. I was stoked! This would give me a place to fish all the time. I loved it! The bonus was after they dug it I found some new hills around it to jump on my bike. The dirt they took out of the pond was kind of an orange gray color and pretty dang hard. This made it great to get speed up on.
One day me and a bunch of my neighborhood buddies were gettin our jump on out by the pond. We were taking turns seeing how far we could jump and having a blast. Wait a minute, before go any further let me back up a bit. About two weeks prior to this day I bent my forks on the front of my bike. For those without bicycle knowledge the forks hold the front wheel on. After bending my front forks I had to find some replacements. It just so happened a buddy had a pair he wasn't using and sold them to me for five bucks. I rolled over to his house and we installed them and they worked perfectly.
This brings me back to the present time in our story. As you can tell by now I'm quite a competitive person. So as I mentioned before we were taking turns jumping a hill by the pond and seeing who could go the furthest and highest. Well, one of my buddies with not real good sense came flyin down by the pond and launched off the ramp. He flew what seemed forever and passed every ones marks up. I didn't let him know but I was quite impressed. However, not to be outdone I told everyone "That's nothin, Ya'll watch this!!" I got as far back as I could and built speed all the way to the jump. When I hit the dirt hill I was really movin. All at once I hit the ramp, lifted and sailed through the air. I could tell it was over for him as I was definitely gonna break his record. I crossed the bars for a little showmanship and then un crossed them for my landing. Ok, this is where it gets a bit confusing. All I can tell you after this is what I was told happened from my Mom. She told me she was in the kitchen when she heard all my buddies outside start yelling for her. When she went out the back door there were a couple of them there telling her in a panic that I had crashed my bike and was dead. Just about that time the rest of my buddies came around the house carrying my lifeless body. Thankfully I wasn't dead but just unconscious! Mom sat me up in a chair on the back porch and began wiping my head with a cold damp cloth. Suddenly everything was white and I began to see outlines of what I was sure was an angel. As things cleared up I was weirded out a bit at the sight of Mom but very happy to see her. My cheek bone was scraped pretty bad along with my collar bone. My eyebrow was about scraped off and the skin under my eye was a road rash shiner. Seemed the hard clay broke my fell pretty good!!
This brings us to another twist in the story. Ya see, I just couldn't for the life of me figure out what went wrong. However, as I investigated the crash site I noticed the front forks had broke on my bike. I couldn't believe it. After further inspection I noticed the forks looked like they had been welded back together. That's when two of my buddies decided to let the cat out of the bag and tell me they had welded them back together. Although neither were experienced welders and the forks weren't made of steel they figured surely it would be ok. Nothin like being a guinea pig! Oh, by the way, I did break his record!!

The Wasps, Again!!

Just to the east of our house was a pasture that was overgrown and full of myrtle trees. Some of the trees were very big thus making it look jungle like. We spent many hours in those little woods playing all sorts of games. The woods were quick access from the house with nothing but a ditch between the yard and woods.
One day as I was playing in the yard next to the woods when I saw it. There was a huge wasp nest hangin in one of the small trees just beyond the ditch. I decided I had to make a decission. I could leave em alone and not worry about them. Or, I could knock the nest down with a rock destroying there whole nest in one shot. I'm pretty sure you can already guess which option I went with!
Welp, again, im no dummy so I knew I had to get the perfect rocks to hit them from a distance. After countless minutes and a handfull of perfect rocks I returned to the side yard. I began quite a ways away. Throwing with everything I had I kept missing the nest so I would creep closer. Finally, I ran out of rocks. The wasps never seemed bothered at all by the rocks flying by them. Thats why it just made sense to get even closer.
I decided to get a big stick then run up close enough to throw the stick at them and then run back to the house. The perfect plan! What could possibly go wrong? I picked up the stick jumped the ditch ran towards the nest till I got close to them. In one quick motion I threw the stick and knocked that sucker right out of the tree! I was stoked and realized quickly they were pissed. I ran with everything I had back to the ditch. With the amount of speed I had goin you'd thought it woulda been easy to clear the ditch. However, I didn't make it. When I hit the other side of the ditch I fell to my face. This is the exact point I realized that wasps will give chase. As I jumped to my feet them suckers were stingin the crap out of my back. Let me tell ya, I just thought I was runnin fast before. I was picken em up and puttin em down now. Like my head was on fire and my butt was catchin!! I finally made it into the house screamin like I was shot. Mom assessed the situation and cleaned up the stings for me. Then she asked me what did I think was going to happen when I hit them. I replied with the famous " I don't know!" She replied with a chuckle " I guess ya found out!"

Yard Sales!

Well this weekend is going to be a great weekend indeed. Ya see, my wife and me are headed to the lake to stay the weekend with Mom and Dad. The Lake House is such a relaxing place. We will fish off the dock and maybe play some cards. Mostly we will just spend quality time catching up. However, the lake house also means saturday morning Yard Sale huntin!!!
Growing up my Mom and Dad didn't have a ton of money. Basically, I guess we were kinda poor. Mom always seemed to get me whatever the heck I wanted so I didn't notice that fact much. Whenever we would get the urge to spend some money we would load up and go to Yard Sales and thrift stores. We would always have a good time. Most everyone in our family collected something or other. This made it even easier to find something cool. You might spot something an Aunt or Uncle collected and get it for them. In return they would do the same when they went. The things we looked for the most were Antiques. We would get all excited about any kind of Antique we could find. Mom and Dad are experts in knowing what something is. They also have eyes like eagles when it comes to yard sales. Guarantee ya they will spot something before you can. Nothing was more fun than finding something, then talking the person down from a dollar to fifty cents. Then you could take your treasure home and look it up in a book to find out it was worth a whole lot more.
Nowadays, because of shows like Antique Road Show and Ebay, you can forget about finding a deal in a thrift store. Even most yard sales price stuff out of the roof. However, if your patient and look real hard you can still find a deal from time to time.
Every old peice of junk that we have collected over the years are almost priceless to me. When I walk by and look at any of them I see not only the history it represents but the memories it made for me!!!