Grandma's Slip and Fall!!

My Grandmother came to live with us when I was still in grade school. This worked out real well for me because I could come straight home after school. She was also laid back and easy going and I got along great with her. Later on she got to where she didn't walk real good so we would basically take care of each other. I would stay inside with her until Mom got home. We would watch T.V. or she would crochet while I found something to do. It was kinda tuff being a teenager at the time but it was my duty to take care of her and she deserved my best. I mean, hell, she took care of my ornery butt for years!

So one day we were at the house and Grandma decided she would take her usual shower before Mom got home. I told that was cool with me and to just holler if she needed anything. I grabbed me a snack, kicked back on the couch for some of my T.V. time. I was sitting there minding my business, munchin away, when suddenly it happened. First I heard a terrible whoooooo sound that was loud and clear. Imediately following the siren sound I hear this loud thud, clang, clang....sounded like someone dropped a giant bag of taters on a tin roof. I knew exactly what the noise was. No Way This Just Happened!! I ran to the bathroom and yelled to Grandma "Are you O.K?" She sounded as if she was crying when she responded with "Yea I'm alright!" Whew!! Thank Goodness!! I was relieved and just fixing to walk away from the bathroom when she said those awful words "I can't get up, can you come help me?" Oh Lordy!! Well I knew how I took a shower and was pretty darn sure she was naked. This was not a sight I really wanted to put my eyes on. I asked her was she sure and she said yes. What could I do. I swallowed my pride and entered the bathroom. I tried to keep from looking as I got a towel for her to cover up with. She covered herself the best she could. I realized then that she wasn't crying. She was laughing and said "Ain't this a fine mess I've gotten us into!" I grabbed her by her hand and tried to tug her to her feet. This was not an easy task as she outweighed me by about double. I got her turned around with her feet out of the tub and with one quick pull I got her to her feet. Just my luck she didn't have the towel wrapped good and down it went. Well, being a young man at the time it was always fun to see some boobies. However, I can surely attest that Grandma's weren't made for a young mans eyes!! I turned my head as fast as I could and she almost knocked me down tryin to get the towel back up. We began to laugh til we both bout peed ourselves. I will never forget my Grandma! She was special for sure! just wait, there's plenty of Grandma stories to come!!!! Love Ya Grandma!!

The Fire??

This story is from just a couple years ago. I told ya I'd write em as they come to me didn't I? As you should be able to figure out by now, the ole brain power doesn't usually work on command.

Anyway, me and my lovely wife had finally gotten the final paper work done up on our new house. We purchased her grandmothers how because she wanted us to have it and it is by far more of a house than I ever would've hoped for. It's definitely a beauty! So, after getting all moved in and living there for a few weeks things seemed to be back to normal. We were finally back to our usual routine and living in our dream house.

Wednesday had been my bowling night for the past few years. It was always a treat cause it was just me and the guys. It was always good to see them and the competition was always fun. One night just after I had started bowling my phone rang. It was my wife and I figured something must be wrong cause she never calls on bowling night. When I answered I could tell she was in a panic by the tone of her voice. She told me she didn't know what to do but she smelled wires burning and it was very strong in the garage and bathroom. She couldn't see any flames yet. Figuring she was probably jumping to conclusions I told her I would be there in a few. I told my buddies I had to run. Jumped in my truck and headed for the house. The longer I drove the more I thought about the fact that our dream house could be on fire. I had the truck goin ninety to nothin and got to the house in record time. My wife met me at the door and showed me where she was smelling it. Sure as the world when I entered the bathroom I could smell wires burning and it was strong. I knew something was wrong now. I ran to the garage and smelled it there too. Opening the stairs to the attic I figured I would see fire. When I opened it I seen smoke and could smell it but there was no flames yet. Still I wasn't sure it was bad enough to call the fire department though. Climbing back down from the attic I told my wife it looks ok and not to worry. Quickly I began to search for a flashlight so I could pinpoint the wires in the attic and stop them from melting. Just my luck there wasn't a working flashlight in the house. This is where it gets fun.

Remembering that I had left a flashlight in the barn, I told my wife to wait and let me run get it. Scrambling out the back door I could smell it even stronger. I ran out of our screen porch towards the barn when I decided to look back at the house. Right beside the porch is the kitchen and just above the kitchen window smoke was bellowing out of the roof overhang like crazy. Holy crap!! As I headed back to the house I started yelling to my wife to call nine one one. She did and the fire department was sent out. My wife started crying and I was like a chicken with my head cut off. No way was I gonna let all my stuff burn in this house. I went and turned off the breaker box. The house was now pitch black and you could see smoke rising from it when you stood in the front yard. Already I had come to the conclusion that as soon as I seen flames I was going to start grabbing our stuff and throwing it through the windows. I figured I could probably come close to getting it all out if needed. Right about then the fire department showed up with two great big trucks and a dozen men with oxygen tanks, masks, and the whole get up. They were armed for war and it was gonna be bad.

The firemen swarmed the house like crazed wolves lookin for a snack. I just knew if the hoses came on all our stuff would be ruined for sure. The Captain asked me to show him where I saw the smoke. As I led him to the backyard he said he could smell it too. When he seen the smoke coming from overhang he yelled something on his radio and went back in to the kitchen. When we got to the kitchen another fireman came in and the Captain told him to make some access holes in the ceiling and walls of the kitchen. I was definitely freaking out now! I pleaded to the captain to check the attic again before ripping up the kitchen and he reluctantly said ok. Another fireman came in and asked me and the Captain to show him the smoke. As they followed me onto the screen porch the fireman said "I found the fire!" Not laughing a bit I told him "I don't think that was much funny!" He pointed his flashlight at an old plastic flower pot that was on the porch in the corner by the kitchen. It was full of peat moss and my wife would put her cigarettes out in it. However, this time it didn't go out! The pot was burning inside without any flames. It was making a ton of smoke from the peat as well as the melting plastic. The thick smoke was traveling up the dark wall out of the porch and under the overhang in front of the kitchen window. I felt about two inches tall and apologized as I began my apologies. He told me he was happy with the turn out especially how it looked to begin with. We came out of the house to the crowd that had gathered in the front yard. We were laughing about it and my crying wife couldn't understand why. She was still crying and getting more pissed as I tried to stop laughing to explain it to her. Finally, she realized the house wasn't goin to burn down and was relieved. She hugged my neck and said "Thank God!" The Captain then asked her "Ma,am, could you please get yourself some more ashtrays!"

One Of My Crazy Cousin Stories!

Both my Mom and Dad's families are of the large variety. So, growin up I had a bunch of dad gum cousins. Just about every one of my cousins were bout half nuts. When we all got together there was no tellin what we would get into. As you can probably guess I have many stories about my family get togethers. Reckon I might as well share one with ya.

Out of all my cousins there was one that kept us laughin most all of the time. He was about the same age as me. He came from a family of three brothers in which he was the youngest. I'm pretty sure that might have helped get him used to being picked on. His two older brothers never cut that sucker any slack. That's just the way he liked it though!
Anyways, Their family wasn't from the country at all. They came from a very big city and were a bit unsteady with the country ways. Some weekends they would drive up and visit for the weekend. It was something I always looked forward to because you always knew it would be a fun time.

Being from the city i'm sure was a big difference. Ya see in the big city where they lived it never really was dark. Nor where there as many animals runnin around. I'm pretty sure the change of environment is what they liked the most.

One time my cousin came to stay with us a whole week. I knew I had better watch my p's and q's while he was there because trouble seemed to hunt the both of us. Since he was stayin a week he had to share my chores with me just like he was livin there. This was fine with me because I was old enough to know I was allergic to work. One night we had been getting on each others nerves quite a bit. He had been jackin with me that afternoon and I was set for revenge. After dinner I realized he had forgot to feed the dog we had outside. I told him he had to do it but he said he would do it the next day. Somehow it came up in conversation with me and Mom. You know I wasn't trying to tell on him. Yea right. Sucker! Well after Mom told him in a nice Mom like manner to get it done he decided the dog probably needed to eat.

The best part was that the dogs house was out back under an oak tree a pretty good ways from the house. It was very dark out there and I knew he was unsteady about the dark. He got the bag of dog food and headed out the back door. He looked around then headed for the dog house slow but steady. Once he reached the dogs dish he began to pour the dog food while checking his surroundings the whole time. He finished pouring the bowl full looked around then bolted for the house. He was steppin and fetchin like a cat in a dog kennel. Just as he got about half way back to the house I decided the time was right. I quickly locked the sliding glass door then stood there in anticipation. Once he reached the back door you could see the fear in his eyes. I wish I would've had a camera when he realized the back door was locked. He was in a panic. When he looked at me I looked behind him and acted like something was there. Just about that time is when I realized Mom was watching too. For some reason she didn't see as much humor in it as I did. She told me to unlock the door in a tone I was all too familiar with. I unlocked it and he came bustin in the house. He was pissed to say the least. Mom made me apologize so I did. He knew there was no reason for an apology because you could already see him plotting his revenge!!

The Bicycle Stories #2

Somewhere along my childhood days my Dad and Mom decided to dig a big pond next to our house. I was stoked! This would give me a place to fish all the time. I loved it! The bonus was after they dug it I found some new hills around it to jump on my bike. The dirt they took out of the pond was kind of an orange gray color and pretty dang hard. This made it great to get speed up on.
One day me and a bunch of my neighborhood buddies were gettin our jump on out by the pond. We were taking turns seeing how far we could jump and having a blast. Wait a minute, before go any further let me back up a bit. About two weeks prior to this day I bent my forks on the front of my bike. For those without bicycle knowledge the forks hold the front wheel on. After bending my front forks I had to find some replacements. It just so happened a buddy had a pair he wasn't using and sold them to me for five bucks. I rolled over to his house and we installed them and they worked perfectly.
This brings me back to the present time in our story. As you can tell by now I'm quite a competitive person. So as I mentioned before we were taking turns jumping a hill by the pond and seeing who could go the furthest and highest. Well, one of my buddies with not real good sense came flyin down by the pond and launched off the ramp. He flew what seemed forever and passed every ones marks up. I didn't let him know but I was quite impressed. However, not to be outdone I told everyone "That's nothin, Ya'll watch this!!" I got as far back as I could and built speed all the way to the jump. When I hit the dirt hill I was really movin. All at once I hit the ramp, lifted and sailed through the air. I could tell it was over for him as I was definitely gonna break his record. I crossed the bars for a little showmanship and then un crossed them for my landing. Ok, this is where it gets a bit confusing. All I can tell you after this is what I was told happened from my Mom. She told me she was in the kitchen when she heard all my buddies outside start yelling for her. When she went out the back door there were a couple of them there telling her in a panic that I had crashed my bike and was dead. Just about that time the rest of my buddies came around the house carrying my lifeless body. Thankfully I wasn't dead but just unconscious! Mom sat me up in a chair on the back porch and began wiping my head with a cold damp cloth. Suddenly everything was white and I began to see outlines of what I was sure was an angel. As things cleared up I was weirded out a bit at the sight of Mom but very happy to see her. My cheek bone was scraped pretty bad along with my collar bone. My eyebrow was about scraped off and the skin under my eye was a road rash shiner. Seemed the hard clay broke my fell pretty good!!
This brings us to another twist in the story. Ya see, I just couldn't for the life of me figure out what went wrong. However, as I investigated the crash site I noticed the front forks had broke on my bike. I couldn't believe it. After further inspection I noticed the forks looked like they had been welded back together. That's when two of my buddies decided to let the cat out of the bag and tell me they had welded them back together. Although neither were experienced welders and the forks weren't made of steel they figured surely it would be ok. Nothin like being a guinea pig! Oh, by the way, I did break his record!!