Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Hog In the Barn!

One day not too long ago while I was at my parents house my Mom yelled there was a hog in the yard. My parents live within the city limits so its kinda unusual. Now remember we are talkin bout a small town and not a big city so its only a bit unusual. I quickly decided I should go outside and catch it. Not that I've ever caught one before, I just figured this one would be the first. By the time I got my boots on and ran out the back door the hog was all the way across the grove. Way too far out of my range so I decided to give up.

Well, about a week later Mom went out to the barn to feed the dog. She came flyin back in the house and yelled that there was another hog and this time he was in the barn with the dog. I knew this was my chance to shine so I put my boots on and headed to the barn. When I entered the barn I couldn't believe what I seen. The dog was asleep next to his food dish and this giant hog was asleep right over by him. As soon as I seen this mammoth of a hog I decided he probably didn't want me to wake him up let alone catch him. He was much bigger than me, white with brown spots. He also had tusks that were sticking out about an inch and were broke off. I wasn't sure how he broke em but I knew I didn't want to find out. So I headed back for the house.

I told Mom I would need some help in apprehending the suspect and that me and Dad probably couldn't pull it off without a trip to the hospital. She agreed and decided to call one of our Cowboy type family friends. After a bit of laughter he told her he would be right over. He arrived with a cow trailer and backed it in the yard. I quickly showed him the hog and he said he had a plan and it wouldn't be a problem. He proceeded to get a rope and to boards that were about three feet tall with handle cut in them at the top. He handed me the rope and gave one of the boards to Dad. I basically understood what the rope was for but the boards had me a bit baffled. When I asked him what the boards were for he told me they were to hold in front of you in case the hog charge at ya. That way he wouldn't hit you and hurt ya. Then I asked him how come I didn't get a board and he replied "Your young enough to get out of the way!" Great plan!

The three of us entered the barn. When he seen the hog laying there he said it was definitely a big hog. He told me him and Dad would get his attention and all I had to do was slip the lasso end of the rope around the hogs neck. Ok, my next question was what should I expect the hog to do once I put it around its neck. He said "Well he's gonna try to get away, so don't let go!" Keeping to the unbelievably intricate plan, I eased up to the hog. He was laying on his side so I realized there was no way to put the rope all the way around his neck without him pickin his head up off the floor. I figured I should just touch him with the rope first to let him know I meant no harm. Little did I know that a gentle touch from a rope meant be afraid for your life in hog language. The dang hog lept to his feet faster within a split second. Somehow in all my steppin and fetchin scared panic I wound up with the dang rope around his neck. He hit the board Dad was holdin one time and almost knocked him off his feet. Before he managed to pull me out the barn our Cowboy friend grabbed that sucker by his back feet. The two of us pulled the giant from the barn and out to the trailer. This is where the fun began!

When we stopped at the trailer the Cowboy guy told me to drop down on my knees on top of the hog and don't let him up. I know, I said the same thing "Excuse me, What?" Well he repeated his self and I decided to man up. When I put all my pressure on the hog he kept trying to get up. I told them that the hog was bigger than me and if he gets up I was gonna run like hell. At this time the Cowboy guy got out his trusty ole pocket knife and opened up a big blade. I said "Well hell, if your gonna kill him why didn't ya just do it in the barn?" He replied "I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna cut off his manhood so hold him good!" Ok, wait, since when is cutting his manhood off better than just killin him? When he cut them the poor hog started yellin and kickin. Then once he cut them off the hog seemed OK again. There must be somethin about bein a Cowboy that makes ya think you should play with them after you cut them off. He held them up to me and asked me if I wanted them. "Um, that's a big no!" I replied. He laughed for a second and then said "lets put him in the trailer!" The hog seemed just fine in the trailer and was off to his brand new home. Needless to say I haven't decided to catch any other hogs after that one!!

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