Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Mailbox Bandits

Later on in my teens I seemed to find way to have fun with my buddies that probably were not the best things to do. Don't get me wrong, we never did drugs or got arrested for anything. It was just when we did do something a bit on the edge getting caught was never on my mind. That's why i just about always got caught.

When i was younger I always thought how cool it was when my dad could throw a Pepsi bottle out the drivers window, all the way across the hood and hit a road sign dead on. So when I became old enough to drive it just came natural to me I guess. Now don't let me pass the blame to Pops at all. I knew exactly how bad it was and what the hell could happen to me. The only problem I had was bottles were just too easy.

One night my buddies, cousin and me were out lookin for somethin to do. We were so bored and with a bad case of small town blues. As we were riding around I finished a soda off and quickly decided to show off my skills. I threw the bottle across the car and nailed the sign. All my buddies were greatly impressed and we all decided at that moment we had found something to do. We began to search for bottles and with not much luck one of my buddies exclaimed "my Dad's got a bunch of watermelons at my house!" That was a no brainer to the rest of us so off to his house we went. Now, it just so happens that his house was just down the street from my house. We began to stuff my little Ford Escort with as many watermelons as we could with the four of us in the car. We didn't go far before we decided to try one out on an old mailbox. With the car speeding down the road I eased over close and my buddy tossed one out the window. WHAM!! The watermelon had taken the whole damn mailbox off its post. We were in awe to say the least.

I think we had hit maybe one other box and missed quite a few when we came up on a four boxes all in a row. They were on the left side of the road so I eased over to that side and hurled my melon out the window. A loud bang was heard and cheers roared through the car. We decided that it was regroup time and probably would be best to get out of our own neighborhood. We stopped on a short dirt road down from the house and picked up another one of my friend who was riding with someone else. He had decided he would like to go with us on our venture. He had no idea what was fixin to take place.

After he loaded up we headed out and decided to take the back way to a different town. As we drove down the road we had to pass the dirt road that led to my house. As we approached it we began to make out a couple of people standin by a parked truck at the end of the road. Once we got close enough to see who it was I realized it was my Mom and A man I knew from her office. I slowed down and Mom jumped in front of the car and pointed to the house in a way I will never forget. Not a word was spoken but I knew exactly what she was sayin. As we passed them and headed for the house I could overhear them talking about weather or not the man was gonna whoop my ass or not. My cousin broke the silence of the car by saying he didn't think she was too mad since she didn't say anything. I told him he was wrong, dead wrong and we were probably fixin to witness my last day on our wonderful planet.

We sat inside the livin room like criminals waitin a trial. When Mom hit the door she busted in like gangbusters. She was on my like bees on honey. She would ask me a question and I would just say I don't know. She informed me that the man was actually her best client from work and that I would be fixin his mailbox along with the rest of them. Dad was sitting there quiet as normal with the most disappointed look on his face and just kept agreeing with Mom. She finally asked me where in the world I would get such a stupid idea. Well, since we had told them nothing of the watermelon and that it was only bottles I said "well dad can hit a sign from the driver side of his truck!" Dad's eyes got big as moons and his face was overtook with shame. Mom said "See this is exactly why you don't do that kinda crap in front of him!" I felt horrible for throwin him under the bus but it did take a few of the bullets from

We finally settled in for the night. Dad took my buddies home and they were scared to death the whole ride. I was so glad that Mom never found out that we were throwin watermelons and not bottles. I really think that helped keep me from gettin killed. However, when I awoke the next mornin I was already prepared to go fix the mailboxes. I was not prepared to find Mom and Dad sittin at the supper table with a great big bowl of watermelon that dad had scraped off the side of my car. My heart stopped beating at that moment!!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A Band Practice Memory!

Yes, it is true, I was in band. However, band was freakin awesome when we were in school!! We basically got to miss about twice as many days of school as normal kids. Plus, most of the girls were either in band, flag corp or majorettes!!! Not a bad thing!!

So, we would have band practice after school everyday to get ready for our field competitions. Our band director Mr. Shayman was a trip. He was a short jewish man with a quick temper. He was about as good a director as you could have. We were like one big family and he thought of us as his kids. When he did get mad, though, he would sometimes blow a gasket, turn red as a beat and scream and cuss!

Well, one day there was a director from the University of Miami to watch us perform and critic us. In class Mr. Shayman made it clear that he did not want anyone leaving after school. We were to stay around till practice started. He told us "if you leave you will be kicked out of band. Especially Wayne, Walt and Colon!

Normally we would leave as soon as the bell rang and run to the junior high then make it back just in time for practice. However, since Shayman was so serious this time we decided we might as well do it again. We would leave and be back before he ever knew we were gone anyways. what could it hurt?

The bell rang and we sprinted to my buddy Walt's awesome blue Toyota station wagon. He fired it up and we skedaddled to the junior high so Colon could see his girlfriend. Once we got there Colon got out to talk to his girlfriend, Walt got out to do whatever Walt does, and I sat in the car. Finding myself bored I began to play with the shifter and whatever I could find. Finally the time came and we had just enough time to make it back. Walt and Colon jumped back in the car. Walt turned the key to fire it up and nothing! The engine wouldn't even turn over. We began to ask everyone we could find for jumper cables till we finally found someone. With just a little time to spare we hooked up the cables and still NOTHING! We all began to panic and freak out. There was no way we could make it in time now. We began to wonder what life was goin to be like with us three dead. We were certain Shayman would kill us!

I believe we decided to run a couple blocks to my Mom's office. Maybe she could give us some insight as to what to do. We decided there that we could just wait till the next day and tell Shayman it was an emergency and then we got in a fender bender or something. However, Walt decided for some reason to bring his horn with him. It was a school issued horn and was not suppose to leave campus. Basically, we had to take it back or we would be in trouble for sure. We decided that if we drove in the back way and parked in the teacher parking lot we could sneak our way to the band room without being seen. We went back to the car to see if there was any way we could fix it. When we got there and inspected it I found that "someone" had shifted it into neutral and that's why it wouldn't start!!

We began our journey to the band room trying to be as unseen as possible. When we reached the band room Walt put his horn up and we were fixing to leave when a runner (junior high helper) came in. He said he had seen us and came to check it out. He told us nobody else had seen us and he promised to not say a word. We thanked him and beat it to the car. Once we got to the car and got gone we were relieve to say the least. As we drove back to Mom's office Colon decided to chime in with "I don't think we will be in that much trouble cause I left Shayman a note to explain it!" Mine and Walt's heart both stopped beating! We were back to being dead men walking!

The next day when we faced our fears Shayman must have been in a good mood. He decided to let us off by apologizing in person to the band, drill team, majorettes, the director from Miami! He also give us about an hour of his deepest thoughts of the situation. He called us every name I could think of and a few I hadn't heard of but use to this day! We promised we learned our lesson and by golly we did!! Till the next practice!!!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Ole Pepe' was a Chihuahua that we inherited when Grandma passed. He was small in size but made up for it with his temper. One minute he would be your best buddy and the next he would be on ya like a buzz saw. He was definitely a lot of fun to have around.

My family had rented a home just outside of our town that was way out in the woods. It was just a short jaunt from the house down to the river. Me and Dad would walk down there every few days and fish off the bank. Most of the time Pepe' would follow along on our heels.

One day while we were walkin along I told Pepe' he was in for a long walk today because we were gonna walk for quite a ways. We had been walkin and fishin on and off for a couple of hours when suddenly I noticed Pepe' was no where to be found. Me and Dad both called and called for him but he never came back. He was definitely gone! At that time Dad said exactly what I was thinking "A gator might have got him!" I began to get a very heavy feeling in my heart and tears started to well up in my eye. I would not except the fact that a gator could have gotten him. I hadn't even seen a gator anywhere around us. So, I began to search frantically through the woods. Suddenly I heard a noise coming from above me. That's when I seen it. There on its nest was a huge Osprey and he was rippin and tearin at some kind of small animal. Right then I knew Pepe' had met his fate and was destined to become lunch to the huge bird. I began to cry at the loss of such a great family pet. He had been through so much in his life that I couldn't bare to think he went out like this. Let alone the fact that I should have been responsible enough to keep a keen eye out for him. I mean, I for one definitely know that an Osprey eats rabbits and other small animals. The more I thought about it the harder I would cry and Dad was doing his best not to cry and just console me!

I decided that the big bird was not goin to eat all of my dog. I would have some of him left to bury. I would seek revenge and bring death to the cold blooded bird. As I marched with haste back towards the house through the woods Dad asked what I was goin to do. I told him I was goin back to get the shotgun and blast that Damn bird and the rest of Pepe' out of the nest. He didn't say a word after that. If he did I sure couldn't hear him over my crying. I could hardly breath every time the thought of what happened would come to mind. After what seemed like forever I finally reached the backyard to the house. I began to pick up the pace. The closer I got to the house the faster I was running. I sprinted around the house to the front door and to my disbelief there in all his glory was Pepe'. That was probably the only time in my life that Ive ever had thoughts of killing a dog. Of course my Dad found it to be one of the most hilarious things he had ever seen. I fell to my knees and began to clutch onto Pepe and pet him. What a day!!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Three Wheeler!!

After weeks of begging to Mom about gettin us a three wheeler, she finally caved in. Me and Dad were stoked! That Saturday we went and bought a brand new Honda 185s. It was awesome. Once we got it home we rode it around the yard a few times until Mom got upset because it was tearing up the grass. The next day was to be our first outing to the sand dunes with it and I couldn't wait.

The next morning we were loaded up and ready to go. Mom made sure to remind us of the deal that she made with us. The deal was that if either of us got hurt on the three wheeler that it would be gone. We assured her we would be very careful and headed out the door.

Me and Dad took turns riding up and down the sand dunes. We were having an absolute blast on the thing. The next time it was my turn I decided to race another kid down the dirt road. I was winning of course when we came to a turn in the road. I was worried a vehicle might be coming the other way so I locked the brakes up. The three wheeler must of been worried too because it decided to leave the road all together. I hit a massive load of dirt just off the side of the road, flipped the bike end over end landing sprawled out in the middle of the road. My shoulder was hurting so bad I couldn't ride back so the other kid went back for Dad. Dad loaded the bike up in the truck and we headed home for the day. My collar bone was pointed up like a tee pee as if it was trying to come through the skin. Very painful. We both knew that this was probably the end of the three wheeler if my bone was broke.

When we got home I sat down on the couch clutching my arm and trying not to move at all. Dad came in with Mom and told her I had crashed but he was sure my collar bone wasn't broken. I gathered everything I had and told her I was fine. However, nurse Mom decided she should take a look. After she looked at it she politely told us both that it was definitely broken and I would have to go the hospital.

Well ya see, in my family if you have to go to the hospital then that means you must first take a shower! So, after my shower we went to the hospital. My collar bone was broken and was definitely about to break the skin. The doctor said it would be ok and proceeded to put a brace that resembled a bra on me. When he tightened the dang thing up it made my chest poke out like a screwed up chicken. Mom decided to let us keep the three wheel and the day after I got my brace off I proceeded to break my wrist. But that's a different story all together!!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Writing Contest!!!

As I had mentioned prior to this, I entered a short story in a contest in effort to expand my blog readers. Much to my surprise, my story was actually picked as one of the five finalist! Hooraaay me!! lol. Anyways, I'm including a link for everyone to find it so what are you waiting on....go check it out!! http://the

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Sunny Side of Bass Fishing!

If you don't already know, I love to fish for Bass. I would do just about anything to spend a day on the lake in search of my favorite fish. The best part of all the time I spend on the water is that I have accumulated a ton of funny stories. I don't have the ability to remember the order in which they came. So, I'll just pass them along as they come to me.

I've always enjoyed fishing in Bass tournaments. It's always fun to fish and the competition part makes it just that much better. So when I started dating my wife I asked her would she be interested in fishin some tournaments with me. She told me she would like to but she had never fished for Bass before. I told her not to worry she didn't even have to fish if she didn't want because i didn't care if we won or not. It didn't take long for her to decide to do it. I found a perfect tournament trail that consisted of men and women. I entered us and we were on our way!

The first tourney came and I was excited. My wife was excited as well and was trying to prepare for what was to come. While Me, her, and a friend of ours were shopping she asked should she get a rain coat. Me and my buddy just kinda laughed and said we don't think you'll be needing it. She decided she should probably get it anyways. The night before the tourney it began to rain hard and the temperature began to plunge. When we woke up the next mornin it was still raining and had turned cold. I told her that if she didn't want to fish it was just fine with me. To my surprise she told me she was ready for anything and began to put on her rain suit. This caught me off guard a bit cause I really didn't want to get out in the cold rain. However, I was definitely not goin to let her beat me out so I decided to get ready. I made a quick call to my Dad to ask him where my rain suit was. Much to my surprise good ole Dad told me he had taken them out and hung them in the barn to air out so they wouldn't smell. Great!! I told my wife this wouldn't be a problem for me at all. I put on a pair of sweatpants under my blue jeans, two t shirts, a sweatshirt and then my fishing shirt. I also put on a ski hat and some gloves. Ready to go!!!

We launched the boat at safe light which is way too early to be on the water in a down pour. The wind had also picked up making life that much better. We decided to head into one of the nearby canals in an effort to avoid as much wind as possible. Everything seemed to be goin just fine. My wife was lookin cute as could be in her new rain suit and was fishin her tail off. I was dry as could be and almost hot. Unfortunately, It only took about an hour before I realized my clothing was soakin up the water like a sponge. As the water made it through my jeans and into my sweatpants I began to get colder and colder. Not only that, my clothes also became heavier and heavier. I was determined not to let it get the best of me!

Just about the time I was about to give in the rain stopped. After quietly thanking the good Lord I told my wife "See, its not gonna be that bad!" She replied "I'm fine but I know you have to be freezin your butt off!" Even though she was dead on I said "Naw, Im just fine!" as I pulled up my heavy britches. About that time we actually began to catch some fish. With every fish I began to forget about the cold and began to have a great time. We finished inside the top ten and was very excited at our placement in our very first trip. I was happy to get dried off and drove home in my underwear. I couldn't have been happier with my wife. She was quite the trooper and we still fish together as often as we can!!

Thursday, March 26, 2009


Figured I would post this story. I sent this in to a contest for short stories just to see how I might do. I'm sure I could never win something like that but it sure was fun to write! Hope you enjoy!

Its Saturday night and I cannot go to sleep. I keep tossing and turning and looking at my alarm clock that is set to go off at four a.m. Finally, I dose off about two in the morning just knowing I'm gonna not hear the alarm. I quickly wake up and look at the clock and its three fifty eight. I turn the alarm off and quietly begin to prepare for the adventure I have been waiting for all week. Just as I leave the bedroom and move to the kitchen I see Dad and he asks me "You ready?" I quickly reply with a "Yes sir, lets go!" With the boat in tow we head towards the lake. It seems to take forever to reach the boat ramp. Thoughts of what kind of memories the day will bring fill my head. I haven't another care or thought in the world. We slide the jonboat out of the back of the truck and into the water. Dad hooks up the trolling motor and we are away. The sun has just began to rise and the lake has fog just about five feet off the water. The water is dead calm and there is not a sound to be heard. It was one heck of a sight to behold. As we glided across the water a very large blue heron effortlessly flew directly across in front of me. He was huge with a giant wingspan. I watched in awe as he landed in the shallow and began his day of fishing. Finally Dad said "Ok, this looks like a good place to start!" The shoreline where we were at was lined with trees. Some of the trees were overhanging the water while others had actually fallen to a watery grave. There were also a few lilypads and cattails mixed into the wooded structure. This was definitely a place where I would live if i were a Large Mouth Bass. As the sun burned away the fog you could hear the wilderness come to life. Frogs, birds and other wildlife began to stir. Fish began to break the water and you could see the rings of waves left behind. My mind was suddenly transported back to reality when Dad exclaimed "there he is!" He set the hook and his pole bent from the size of the fish that had taken the bait. Dad said "It feels like a good one" as if I wasn't excited enough already. I was anxious to see this fish and he was quick to not disappoint me. The Bass broke the surface and launched itself into the air shaking with everything it had trying to throw the hook loose. When he reentered the water he dug for the depths as Dads drag peeled from his reel. I began to coach Dad as if he was a little league player. I shouted "Don't force him" and "Keep your rod bent!" Finally, after what seemed to be at least an hour Dad brought the monster alongside the boat and said "Grab him and don't miss!" Inspired by the fact that Dad intrusted me to bring this prize of a fish he had into the boat overwhelmed me. I reached into the water and grasped the fish by the bottom lip and began to raise him into the boat. He splashed me one last time with his tail with what seemed like one last attempt at freedom. With a grin that went from ear to ear I turned to hand the fish to Dad. He seemed to have the same exact smile on his face as I did but there was something a bit different about it. We got a camera out of the tackle box and snapped away a few pictures of the trophy Dad had landed! Dad gave the fish back to me and said "Here you can release him." I took one last look at this amazing fish and then gently eased him into the water. After a second or two the fish realized where he was and took off with haste. As the fish disappeared into the depths Dad said "Just think how big he will be the next time we catch him!" We fished well into the afternoon while catching a few and losing a few. However, none came close to the size of the first one. Finally, it was time to go and we stowed our gear and headed back to the truck. With the boat loaded and smiles on our faces we returned to the house. We both couldn't wait to tell our story of the big fish and show off the pictures.

Twenty something years later and I still remember this and every fishing trip that Dad and I shared. We still go fishing together on a regular basis and I still get just as excited about every trip. However, it took me becoming a Dad myself to actually understand the difference in my smile and Dads that day. Thanks Dad!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Mako's Greatest Day!

Mako was the name of my dad's dog. He was a thick Bull Terrier breed. If you don't know the kind of dog just think Spuds Mckenzie, cept black with white spots. He was like a tank and solid muscle. A bit crazy when he was young, to say the least, but a very good dog. He cost a lot of money and paid us back two fold with some of the crazy stuff he did. Just a good tempered all around pooch. That is why my parents decided to breed him and make some money!

Well, Mom and Dad got a call from a lady that was very interested in using Mako for stud service. They sent her pictures so she could see his markings and she decided she wanted to do it. The next Saturday she came to the house. One of my crazy aunts was also visiting us at the time. I waited with anticipation to see what the ladies dog was goin to look like. Her and my parents reached an agreement and the lady walked to her car. When she returned she had her dog on the leash. She was a pretty female and was all white. The lady also had in her hand a ziploc bag that had another ziploc and what appeared to be some sort of small tube.

Much to our amazement the lady got Mako and took him around to the other side of the barn. She didn't take the female dog with her. It took a few for us to figure out what she was goin to do. Oh my goodness! Lets just say this lady had taken this step of the breeding process in her hand! My aunt kept askin my Mom and Dad what she was doin around there. We were laughin at the thought of it and my aunt askin questions didn't help matters at all.

The lady returned from around the barn. Mako was following her and panting as if he had ran a marathon. When the lady got close we noticed that she had a ziploc bag tucked under her arm pit. She was also in quite a hurry. She asked Dad if he could help hold the female dog still and he said he would. So, as he was holdin the dog the lady took out the tube thing and filled it with the specimen she had collected from dads dog. She then took the tube and inserted it into the female dogs you know what. Then (this is the kicker) she proceeded to put her mouth on the other end and blow the specimen home to its targeted area!!! I can tell you that we all were a damn fine sight to see at that moment. My aunts face was worth a million dollars. She kept sayin "Oh my!! ewwwe, gross!" The lady then told us that this is the best way she knew of to make sure the breeding process would take. I can tell you this, I never would have a need for a puppy that bad! However, she did make a friend for life out of Mako!!!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Hog In the Barn!

One day not too long ago while I was at my parents house my Mom yelled there was a hog in the yard. My parents live within the city limits so its kinda unusual. Now remember we are talkin bout a small town and not a big city so its only a bit unusual. I quickly decided I should go outside and catch it. Not that I've ever caught one before, I just figured this one would be the first. By the time I got my boots on and ran out the back door the hog was all the way across the grove. Way too far out of my range so I decided to give up.

Well, about a week later Mom went out to the barn to feed the dog. She came flyin back in the house and yelled that there was another hog and this time he was in the barn with the dog. I knew this was my chance to shine so I put my boots on and headed to the barn. When I entered the barn I couldn't believe what I seen. The dog was asleep next to his food dish and this giant hog was asleep right over by him. As soon as I seen this mammoth of a hog I decided he probably didn't want me to wake him up let alone catch him. He was much bigger than me, white with brown spots. He also had tusks that were sticking out about an inch and were broke off. I wasn't sure how he broke em but I knew I didn't want to find out. So I headed back for the house.

I told Mom I would need some help in apprehending the suspect and that me and Dad probably couldn't pull it off without a trip to the hospital. She agreed and decided to call one of our Cowboy type family friends. After a bit of laughter he told her he would be right over. He arrived with a cow trailer and backed it in the yard. I quickly showed him the hog and he said he had a plan and it wouldn't be a problem. He proceeded to get a rope and to boards that were about three feet tall with handle cut in them at the top. He handed me the rope and gave one of the boards to Dad. I basically understood what the rope was for but the boards had me a bit baffled. When I asked him what the boards were for he told me they were to hold in front of you in case the hog charge at ya. That way he wouldn't hit you and hurt ya. Then I asked him how come I didn't get a board and he replied "Your young enough to get out of the way!" Great plan!

The three of us entered the barn. When he seen the hog laying there he said it was definitely a big hog. He told me him and Dad would get his attention and all I had to do was slip the lasso end of the rope around the hogs neck. Ok, my next question was what should I expect the hog to do once I put it around its neck. He said "Well he's gonna try to get away, so don't let go!" Keeping to the unbelievably intricate plan, I eased up to the hog. He was laying on his side so I realized there was no way to put the rope all the way around his neck without him pickin his head up off the floor. I figured I should just touch him with the rope first to let him know I meant no harm. Little did I know that a gentle touch from a rope meant be afraid for your life in hog language. The dang hog lept to his feet faster within a split second. Somehow in all my steppin and fetchin scared panic I wound up with the dang rope around his neck. He hit the board Dad was holdin one time and almost knocked him off his feet. Before he managed to pull me out the barn our Cowboy friend grabbed that sucker by his back feet. The two of us pulled the giant from the barn and out to the trailer. This is where the fun began!

When we stopped at the trailer the Cowboy guy told me to drop down on my knees on top of the hog and don't let him up. I know, I said the same thing "Excuse me, What?" Well he repeated his self and I decided to man up. When I put all my pressure on the hog he kept trying to get up. I told them that the hog was bigger than me and if he gets up I was gonna run like hell. At this time the Cowboy guy got out his trusty ole pocket knife and opened up a big blade. I said "Well hell, if your gonna kill him why didn't ya just do it in the barn?" He replied "I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna cut off his manhood so hold him good!" Ok, wait, since when is cutting his manhood off better than just killin him? When he cut them the poor hog started yellin and kickin. Then once he cut them off the hog seemed OK again. There must be somethin about bein a Cowboy that makes ya think you should play with them after you cut them off. He held them up to me and asked me if I wanted them. "Um, that's a big no!" I replied. He laughed for a second and then said "lets put him in the trailer!" The hog seemed just fine in the trailer and was off to his brand new home. Needless to say I haven't decided to catch any other hogs after that one!!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Biloxi trip!

My oldest cousin from Miami came along with us on a trip to Biloxi Mississippi. He was one of the large group of my crazy kinfolk we had goin. I knew this trip would be a blast. There's just no way to get all my family together and not have a great time.

Once we arrive at the airport I find out that my cousin has never flown. He also let me know he was quite nervous about it too. Not the best info to share with my family. Not that I told anyone but the word somehow got around. Well once my Dad found out it was on in a big way.

We get to the gate and are waiting to board the plane. Me and my cousin are looking out the window admiring the plane and all the work they were doin to ready it. My Dad walks over, looks at the plane and says "What the hell is that drippin out of the plane!" He also states "I'm not gettin on that bird til they tell me what the heck that is!" He then walked off. I looked at my cousin and his facial expression took a turn for the worse. About to burst into laughter I told him I was sure they would check it out.

We boarded the plane and took our seats. My cousin was sitting directly across from me and my Dad was right behind him. Not good! Every little noise the plane made my Dad would whisper loudly to my Mom "What was that?" My cousin could hear every word and was getting more pale looking with every statement.

Finally, they began to push the plane back with the push truck. Low and behold the dang push pole thingy on the truck broke with a loud boom. It shook the plane a bit and we come to a halt. I thought at that very moment they were either gonna have to restrain my cousin, let him off the plane or he was just gonna have a heart attack and die right there. He was a bit freaked out to say the least. Dad started to say something about the noise when Mom interrupted him and said "Damn it, you better stop before you kill him!" We all began to laugh at the top of our lungs. Even the stewardess was laughin. My cousin didn't quite see the humor in it and decided to order his first beer of many.

By the time we left the ground I think he might have been about done with a six pack. By the time the plane leveled out he was feelin pretty good! He wasn't pale no more and began to cut the fool with everyone. He had us all in stitches!! What a great trip!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

My Boots!

Somewhere around the month of May during grade school my Mom and I went to a western wear shop. We were there to talk to the owner because he was a client of Mom's. She told me to just look around until she got done. I took her advice and broused around checkin out all kinda western cowboy stuff. As I reached the boot department I noticed one pair just seemed to be callin my name. They were the most awesome boots I ever seen. The person workin the boot section said they were made of real Ostrich skin. They had a blue grey tint with darker color up the ankles. After finding a pair to fit I slid my foot in and it was like it was meant to be. I ran back to Mom and asked her could I get them. She said no at first but I was persistant. I begged, she said no, i begged, again no. She said school would be out real soon and I would need sneakers to play in. I promised her I wouldn't need sneakers and pleaded that I never had boots before.

Finally, Mom caved in and told me I could get them but when it come time for sneakers we wouldn't be able to afford any. I knew she was right because the boots were very expensive. No worries, who needs sneakers anyways.

Well, school ended and summer was here. Time to play everyday! I told Mom I needed some sneakers to play in and she quickly reminded me about the boot story. After pouting for a bit I decided I didn't need any anyways. So off I went to play. I was definately a sight for sore eyes. I had on a play shirt, shorts, tube socks and them boots. It was hell just to ride my bike with them on. I also caught quite a bit of ridicule from the neighborhood kids. Course they didn't look much better. But at least they had sneakers. When we would play backyard football or baseball I would be slippin around like a wet fish on a greasy dock. Needless to say I did wear them the whole summer. Think thats the first pair of shoes I ever got all my money out of. Heck I even wore them shoppin with Mom. Who say's boots don't go with shorts!!!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Grandma's Slip and Fall!!

My Grandmother came to live with us when I was still in grade school. This worked out real well for me because I could come straight home after school. She was also laid back and easy going and I got along great with her. Later on she got to where she didn't walk real good so we would basically take care of each other. I would stay inside with her until Mom got home. We would watch T.V. or she would crochet while I found something to do. It was kinda tuff being a teenager at the time but it was my duty to take care of her and she deserved my best. I mean, hell, she took care of my ornery butt for years!

So one day we were at the house and Grandma decided she would take her usual shower before Mom got home. I told that was cool with me and to just holler if she needed anything. I grabbed me a snack, kicked back on the couch for some of my T.V. time. I was sitting there minding my business, munchin away, when suddenly it happened. First I heard a terrible whoooooo sound that was loud and clear. Imediately following the siren sound I hear this loud thud, clang, clang....sounded like someone dropped a giant bag of taters on a tin roof. I knew exactly what the noise was. No Way This Just Happened!! I ran to the bathroom and yelled to Grandma "Are you O.K?" She sounded as if she was crying when she responded with "Yea I'm alright!" Whew!! Thank Goodness!! I was relieved and just fixing to walk away from the bathroom when she said those awful words "I can't get up, can you come help me?" Oh Lordy!! Well I knew how I took a shower and was pretty darn sure she was naked. This was not a sight I really wanted to put my eyes on. I asked her was she sure and she said yes. What could I do. I swallowed my pride and entered the bathroom. I tried to keep from looking as I got a towel for her to cover up with. She covered herself the best she could. I realized then that she wasn't crying. She was laughing and said "Ain't this a fine mess I've gotten us into!" I grabbed her by her hand and tried to tug her to her feet. This was not an easy task as she outweighed me by about double. I got her turned around with her feet out of the tub and with one quick pull I got her to her feet. Just my luck she didn't have the towel wrapped good and down it went. Well, being a young man at the time it was always fun to see some boobies. However, I can surely attest that Grandma's weren't made for a young mans eyes!! I turned my head as fast as I could and she almost knocked me down tryin to get the towel back up. We began to laugh til we both bout peed ourselves. I will never forget my Grandma! She was special for sure! just wait, there's plenty of Grandma stories to come!!!! Love Ya Grandma!!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Fire??

This story is from just a couple years ago. I told ya I'd write em as they come to me didn't I? As you should be able to figure out by now, the ole brain power doesn't usually work on command.

Anyway, me and my lovely wife had finally gotten the final paper work done up on our new house. We purchased her grandmothers how because she wanted us to have it and it is by far more of a house than I ever would've hoped for. It's definitely a beauty! So, after getting all moved in and living there for a few weeks things seemed to be back to normal. We were finally back to our usual routine and living in our dream house.

Wednesday had been my bowling night for the past few years. It was always a treat cause it was just me and the guys. It was always good to see them and the competition was always fun. One night just after I had started bowling my phone rang. It was my wife and I figured something must be wrong cause she never calls on bowling night. When I answered I could tell she was in a panic by the tone of her voice. She told me she didn't know what to do but she smelled wires burning and it was very strong in the garage and bathroom. She couldn't see any flames yet. Figuring she was probably jumping to conclusions I told her I would be there in a few. I told my buddies I had to run. Jumped in my truck and headed for the house. The longer I drove the more I thought about the fact that our dream house could be on fire. I had the truck goin ninety to nothin and got to the house in record time. My wife met me at the door and showed me where she was smelling it. Sure as the world when I entered the bathroom I could smell wires burning and it was strong. I knew something was wrong now. I ran to the garage and smelled it there too. Opening the stairs to the attic I figured I would see fire. When I opened it I seen smoke and could smell it but there was no flames yet. Still I wasn't sure it was bad enough to call the fire department though. Climbing back down from the attic I told my wife it looks ok and not to worry. Quickly I began to search for a flashlight so I could pinpoint the wires in the attic and stop them from melting. Just my luck there wasn't a working flashlight in the house. This is where it gets fun.

Remembering that I had left a flashlight in the barn, I told my wife to wait and let me run get it. Scrambling out the back door I could smell it even stronger. I ran out of our screen porch towards the barn when I decided to look back at the house. Right beside the porch is the kitchen and just above the kitchen window smoke was bellowing out of the roof overhang like crazy. Holy crap!! As I headed back to the house I started yelling to my wife to call nine one one. She did and the fire department was sent out. My wife started crying and I was like a chicken with my head cut off. No way was I gonna let all my stuff burn in this house. I went and turned off the breaker box. The house was now pitch black and you could see smoke rising from it when you stood in the front yard. Already I had come to the conclusion that as soon as I seen flames I was going to start grabbing our stuff and throwing it through the windows. I figured I could probably come close to getting it all out if needed. Right about then the fire department showed up with two great big trucks and a dozen men with oxygen tanks, masks, and the whole get up. They were armed for war and it was gonna be bad.

The firemen swarmed the house like crazed wolves lookin for a snack. I just knew if the hoses came on all our stuff would be ruined for sure. The Captain asked me to show him where I saw the smoke. As I led him to the backyard he said he could smell it too. When he seen the smoke coming from overhang he yelled something on his radio and went back in to the kitchen. When we got to the kitchen another fireman came in and the Captain told him to make some access holes in the ceiling and walls of the kitchen. I was definitely freaking out now! I pleaded to the captain to check the attic again before ripping up the kitchen and he reluctantly said ok. Another fireman came in and asked me and the Captain to show him the smoke. As they followed me onto the screen porch the fireman said "I found the fire!" Not laughing a bit I told him "I don't think that was much funny!" He pointed his flashlight at an old plastic flower pot that was on the porch in the corner by the kitchen. It was full of peat moss and my wife would put her cigarettes out in it. However, this time it didn't go out! The pot was burning inside without any flames. It was making a ton of smoke from the peat as well as the melting plastic. The thick smoke was traveling up the dark wall out of the porch and under the overhang in front of the kitchen window. I felt about two inches tall and apologized as I began my apologies. He told me he was happy with the turn out especially how it looked to begin with. We came out of the house to the crowd that had gathered in the front yard. We were laughing about it and my crying wife couldn't understand why. She was still crying and getting more pissed as I tried to stop laughing to explain it to her. Finally, she realized the house wasn't goin to burn down and was relieved. She hugged my neck and said "Thank God!" The Captain then asked her "Ma,am, could you please get yourself some more ashtrays!"

Saturday, February 21, 2009

One Of My Crazy Cousin Stories!

Both my Mom and Dad's families are of the large variety. So, growin up I had a bunch of dad gum cousins. Just about every one of my cousins were bout half nuts. When we all got together there was no tellin what we would get into. As you can probably guess I have many stories about my family get togethers. Reckon I might as well share one with ya.

Out of all my cousins there was one that kept us laughin most all of the time. He was about the same age as me. He came from a family of three brothers in which he was the youngest. I'm pretty sure that might have helped get him used to being picked on. His two older brothers never cut that sucker any slack. That's just the way he liked it though!
Anyways, Their family wasn't from the country at all. They came from a very big city and were a bit unsteady with the country ways. Some weekends they would drive up and visit for the weekend. It was something I always looked forward to because you always knew it would be a fun time.

Being from the city i'm sure was a big difference. Ya see in the big city where they lived it never really was dark. Nor where there as many animals runnin around. I'm pretty sure the change of environment is what they liked the most.

One time my cousin came to stay with us a whole week. I knew I had better watch my p's and q's while he was there because trouble seemed to hunt the both of us. Since he was stayin a week he had to share my chores with me just like he was livin there. This was fine with me because I was old enough to know I was allergic to work. One night we had been getting on each others nerves quite a bit. He had been jackin with me that afternoon and I was set for revenge. After dinner I realized he had forgot to feed the dog we had outside. I told him he had to do it but he said he would do it the next day. Somehow it came up in conversation with me and Mom. You know I wasn't trying to tell on him. Yea right. Sucker! Well after Mom told him in a nice Mom like manner to get it done he decided the dog probably needed to eat.

The best part was that the dogs house was out back under an oak tree a pretty good ways from the house. It was very dark out there and I knew he was unsteady about the dark. He got the bag of dog food and headed out the back door. He looked around then headed for the dog house slow but steady. Once he reached the dogs dish he began to pour the dog food while checking his surroundings the whole time. He finished pouring the bowl full looked around then bolted for the house. He was steppin and fetchin like a cat in a dog kennel. Just as he got about half way back to the house I decided the time was right. I quickly locked the sliding glass door then stood there in anticipation. Once he reached the back door you could see the fear in his eyes. I wish I would've had a camera when he realized the back door was locked. He was in a panic. When he looked at me I looked behind him and acted like something was there. Just about that time is when I realized Mom was watching too. For some reason she didn't see as much humor in it as I did. She told me to unlock the door in a tone I was all too familiar with. I unlocked it and he came bustin in the house. He was pissed to say the least. Mom made me apologize so I did. He knew there was no reason for an apology because you could already see him plotting his revenge!!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Bicycle Stories #2

Somewhere along my childhood days my Dad and Mom decided to dig a big pond next to our house. I was stoked! This would give me a place to fish all the time. I loved it! The bonus was after they dug it I found some new hills around it to jump on my bike. The dirt they took out of the pond was kind of an orange gray color and pretty dang hard. This made it great to get speed up on.
One day me and a bunch of my neighborhood buddies were gettin our jump on out by the pond. We were taking turns seeing how far we could jump and having a blast. Wait a minute, before go any further let me back up a bit. About two weeks prior to this day I bent my forks on the front of my bike. For those without bicycle knowledge the forks hold the front wheel on. After bending my front forks I had to find some replacements. It just so happened a buddy had a pair he wasn't using and sold them to me for five bucks. I rolled over to his house and we installed them and they worked perfectly.
This brings me back to the present time in our story. As you can tell by now I'm quite a competitive person. So as I mentioned before we were taking turns jumping a hill by the pond and seeing who could go the furthest and highest. Well, one of my buddies with not real good sense came flyin down by the pond and launched off the ramp. He flew what seemed forever and passed every ones marks up. I didn't let him know but I was quite impressed. However, not to be outdone I told everyone "That's nothin, Ya'll watch this!!" I got as far back as I could and built speed all the way to the jump. When I hit the dirt hill I was really movin. All at once I hit the ramp, lifted and sailed through the air. I could tell it was over for him as I was definitely gonna break his record. I crossed the bars for a little showmanship and then un crossed them for my landing. Ok, this is where it gets a bit confusing. All I can tell you after this is what I was told happened from my Mom. She told me she was in the kitchen when she heard all my buddies outside start yelling for her. When she went out the back door there were a couple of them there telling her in a panic that I had crashed my bike and was dead. Just about that time the rest of my buddies came around the house carrying my lifeless body. Thankfully I wasn't dead but just unconscious! Mom sat me up in a chair on the back porch and began wiping my head with a cold damp cloth. Suddenly everything was white and I began to see outlines of what I was sure was an angel. As things cleared up I was weirded out a bit at the sight of Mom but very happy to see her. My cheek bone was scraped pretty bad along with my collar bone. My eyebrow was about scraped off and the skin under my eye was a road rash shiner. Seemed the hard clay broke my fell pretty good!!
This brings us to another twist in the story. Ya see, I just couldn't for the life of me figure out what went wrong. However, as I investigated the crash site I noticed the front forks had broke on my bike. I couldn't believe it. After further inspection I noticed the forks looked like they had been welded back together. That's when two of my buddies decided to let the cat out of the bag and tell me they had welded them back together. Although neither were experienced welders and the forks weren't made of steel they figured surely it would be ok. Nothin like being a guinea pig! Oh, by the way, I did break his record!!

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Wasps, Again!!

Just to the east of our house was a pasture that was overgrown and full of myrtle trees. Some of the trees were very big thus making it look jungle like. We spent many hours in those little woods playing all sorts of games. The woods were quick access from the house with nothing but a ditch between the yard and woods.
One day as I was playing in the yard next to the woods when I saw it. There was a huge wasp nest hangin in one of the small trees just beyond the ditch. I decided I had to make a decission. I could leave em alone and not worry about them. Or, I could knock the nest down with a rock destroying there whole nest in one shot. I'm pretty sure you can already guess which option I went with!
Welp, again, im no dummy so I knew I had to get the perfect rocks to hit them from a distance. After countless minutes and a handfull of perfect rocks I returned to the side yard. I began quite a ways away. Throwing with everything I had I kept missing the nest so I would creep closer. Finally, I ran out of rocks. The wasps never seemed bothered at all by the rocks flying by them. Thats why it just made sense to get even closer.
I decided to get a big stick then run up close enough to throw the stick at them and then run back to the house. The perfect plan! What could possibly go wrong? I picked up the stick jumped the ditch ran towards the nest till I got close to them. In one quick motion I threw the stick and knocked that sucker right out of the tree! I was stoked and realized quickly they were pissed. I ran with everything I had back to the ditch. With the amount of speed I had goin you'd thought it woulda been easy to clear the ditch. However, I didn't make it. When I hit the other side of the ditch I fell to my face. This is the exact point I realized that wasps will give chase. As I jumped to my feet them suckers were stingin the crap out of my back. Let me tell ya, I just thought I was runnin fast before. I was picken em up and puttin em down now. Like my head was on fire and my butt was catchin!! I finally made it into the house screamin like I was shot. Mom assessed the situation and cleaned up the stings for me. Then she asked me what did I think was going to happen when I hit them. I replied with the famous " I don't know!" She replied with a chuckle " I guess ya found out!"

Friday, February 13, 2009

Yard Sales!

Well this weekend is going to be a great weekend indeed. Ya see, my wife and me are headed to the lake to stay the weekend with Mom and Dad. The Lake House is such a relaxing place. We will fish off the dock and maybe play some cards. Mostly we will just spend quality time catching up. However, the lake house also means saturday morning Yard Sale huntin!!!
Growing up my Mom and Dad didn't have a ton of money. Basically, I guess we were kinda poor. Mom always seemed to get me whatever the heck I wanted so I didn't notice that fact much. Whenever we would get the urge to spend some money we would load up and go to Yard Sales and thrift stores. We would always have a good time. Most everyone in our family collected something or other. This made it even easier to find something cool. You might spot something an Aunt or Uncle collected and get it for them. In return they would do the same when they went. The things we looked for the most were Antiques. We would get all excited about any kind of Antique we could find. Mom and Dad are experts in knowing what something is. They also have eyes like eagles when it comes to yard sales. Guarantee ya they will spot something before you can. Nothing was more fun than finding something, then talking the person down from a dollar to fifty cents. Then you could take your treasure home and look it up in a book to find out it was worth a whole lot more.
Nowadays, because of shows like Antique Road Show and Ebay, you can forget about finding a deal in a thrift store. Even most yard sales price stuff out of the roof. However, if your patient and look real hard you can still find a deal from time to time.
Every old peice of junk that we have collected over the years are almost priceless to me. When I walk by and look at any of them I see not only the history it represents but the memories it made for me!!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Bow and Arrow Troubles!

My Dad decided to build a back porch on our house. It took him quite some time to finish it too. He put painless ours into it and had just gotten the green fiberglass roof panels up when this all took place.

Well, ya see, I recieved a bow and some arrows from somewhere. Mom told me I could shoot them in the back yard but to be careful cause they were dangerous. I was having a great time shootin the arrows. The only problem was that I only had like four arrows and it was getting old chasing them across the pasture. I decided it would be much easier to shoot em straight up in the air to see how high they went. Plus, you didn't have to chase em as far. After shooting up a couple I had it down pat. That is right up until one of them didn't go quite straight up and when it came down it went right in Dad's new roof. I quickly climbed up on the roof of the house and managed to lean over on the porch roof and pull the arrow out. In a scurry I climbed back down to assess the damage only to find a very little hole about the size of a dime. Sure that Dad wouldn't see it I returned to the bow and arrow. Lesson learned I decided I should move further away from the house before continuing. However, the very next arrow I shot came down directly in the middle of the porch roof. In a panic I realized that I wouldnt be able to reach it from the roof or crawl on the new roof to retreive it. I entered the porch and could barely grab the tip of the arrow hanging from the roof. It wouldn't budge and I realized at this point I was screwed in a big way! When Dad came out on the porch the first thing he noticed was the arrow. He turned to me and gave me a look that made me certain I was probably close to my last breath. Course I told him i was sorry about a bazillion times. When he asked me what was I thinking I replied with my usual answer "I don't know!" For some reason I never seen the bow and arrow again!!

Monday, February 9, 2009

The Bicycle Stories #1 in the series

As I grew older, despite the accident with the rose bush, my love for riding a bike grew. I rode my bike most everyday after school and almost all day every day during summer. Almost every hill I came across turned into a little jump. Performing wheelies was a regular pretty much wherever I went. As I got better on my bike at doing tricks I also got a bit more cocky. Anytime I could show off for someone was the perfect time. Never to be outdone I would go to drastic measures to out ride any of my buddies.
This brings me to the ramp I built on the dirt road in front of our house. Ya see, the little hills just weren't cutting it anymore for me cause I was more advanced than that. So one day I set out to build a ramp. I found a couple of sheets of plywood in the barn. One was about three feet long and the other about five. Three concrete blocks later the ramp was done. With two blocks under the jump ramp and one under the landing ramp it looked perfect. Now I'm no dummy so I started with them close together. This quickly became an easy challenge so I began to move the landing ramp away from the jump ramp. Soon the ramps were about eight feet or so apart. I was airing that sucker out! About that time my Mom and Her boss came out of house. Mom told me to move the ramps so her boss could get his truck out of the drive way. No way was I gonna move it without one last jump. I mean, heck, I finally got an audience!! I sped back down the rode yelling "Hey ya,ll watch this!" Well little did I know that while I had been jumping the ramp over and over that the front board had been moving back a tiny bit at a time. Hitting break neck speed I hit the ramp with mom and her boss paying close attention. As soon as my front wheel hit the ramp the front board fell to the ground. I never had a chance. When the bike hit the bricks I was tossed like a lawn dart over the handle bars. I flew in the air a very long way. As a matter of fact I believe it was probably just shy of eight feet. Hitting the landing ramp in the front without the bike was definitely not the awe inspiring landing I was looking for. I'm pretty sure it was the landing ramp brick that broke my fall and knocked the wind out of me. Once I came to a stop I couldn't catch my breath. Finally right before I was sure I was gonna die I got a breath and realized besides a few scratches and bruise that I was alright. Right about that time mom yelled "That was a great trick. Do it again!"

Friday, February 6, 2009

Mom's Hidden Extra Powers!!

Ever wonder where your mom gets the extra powers that they seem to have. You know what I mean, like being able to foresee the future. Like telling you to stop or your gonna hurt yourself and minutes later you go crying in the house cause you got hurt. For some reason moms have a sixth sense it seems. They simply have abilities that men and children don't have. I'm not exactly sure why this is but it can work to your advantage and disadvantage. For instance, One time me and my mom were in the living room watching t.v. Mom told me to go to the pantry and get something for her, I'm pretty sure it was peanut butter. So I take off to the kitchen and open the pantry but there's not any peanut butter. I go back to the living room and tell her there's not any. Mom tells me that she just bought some the other day and its in there I just didn't look good. So, I return to the pantry and look again. Still finding nothing I return to her to give her the bad news. This time she tells me in a whole new tone of voice that it is in the pantry on the second shelf and that she put it there when she bought it the other day. Now being frightened for my livelihood I go back and look all through the second shelf moving everything as i go. Still nothing. Now I know I have her caught in her own little trap. I bounce my way back into the living room. I can hardly wait to tell her she is wrong and I got her at her own game. This time she tells me to not make her have to go get it herself cause I wont be happy with the outcome. I told her sorry bout her luck but there wasn't any peanut butter!! Mom proceeds to get up and head to the kitchen. I follow her so I can see her face when she realizes shes wrong. We get to the pantry and she slings the door open then simply reaches in and gets the peanut butter that is sitting right on the edge of the second shelf. In my head I quickly ask God for his forgiveness as to whatever I may have done to deserve this. I've realized since then that I don't need to ask God for forgiveness because Ive come to the conclusion that he has a sense of humor and likes for me to make him laugh. At this time Mom gives me a look that made the hair stand up on my neck. She didn't say a word, she didn't have to. To this day this kinda stuff still happens to me on a regular basis. I think it actually made us bond a little more. Also, I now have a daughter of my own and can actually do the same look quite well myself!!!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Jezabelle The Westshire Terrier

Just to catch you up a bit. We have a Jack Russell dog named Jelly. Jelly is about as good a dog as you could want. He is loyal, smart, playfull and just a laid back easy goin dude. Not like most jacks ya find. Jelly is a lazy bones kinda dog. However, he wasn't always like this by no means. Ya see, the Easter Bunny brought jelly to my little girl for Easter about six years ago. Boy was he cute. He was so excited (or so i thought). He was runnin around like crazy, chasing my daughter and snappin at her like a tiny turtle. We quickly discovered that he wasn't really excited.....he was freakin nuts! This puppy would eat stuff you wouldn't believe. Wood, plastic or metal ole Jelly didnt turn his nose up to anything. You could take him out for an hour and come back in and he would use the bathroom on the floor. He wouldn't come to you when you called either. Heck, you couldn't even pet the crazy dude cause he wouldn't sit still long enough. One day my daughter came in the living room and asked me if we could call the Easter Bunny. When i asked her why she held up a couple of her prized Barbie dolls and had tears in her eyes. I looked in her hand and it looked to me like Barbie had a bad day. One didn't have a head and the other two were bald headed and missing a few limbs. So, after that day the beatings started. After probably a million woopins and a year or so ole Jelly decided to become a good dog.

This brings me to our new addition Jezabelle. You see, my wife decided that Jelly was too much of a manly dog and that her and my daughter needed a furry cute little girl dog they can dress up and brush and make all purty like. Me and my wife headed to Tampa to pick out a puppy and she fell in love with Jez. Don't get me wrong I thought she was cute as a button too. We brought her home and my daughter absolutely loves her.

The problem, however, is the fact that Jezabelle is a long haired dog. She is also a terrier breed and they ain't quite right in the head to start with. She has a great temper and is very loving. She really likes to be outside too. We live in the country on ten acres. The grass is thick and we have cows too. So when Jez goes outside in the mornings and the grass is wet she cant help but get wet and dirty. Sometimes when she was still a puppy she would take the time to roll in some manure before she came back in. She finally quit all the nonsense after about a year but still cant help getting wet. So you always have to wipe her off in the morning when she comes in.

Now we get to the good part. This morning, as usual, I was running a bit late and trying to hurry. I let the dogs out then made some coffee and began to get dressed. After a bit i went back out to let the dogs back in but they were nowhere to be found. I called and called and they didn't come. I went back in and finished getting dressed. Not to be one to give in I tried to call em again and nothing. I told my wife I was leaving and I looked for the dogs as I drove down the road. Just as I was leaving I spotted Jelly back at the house. I hurried back to let them in and give em a piece of my mind when I seen my wife at the back door to the porch. She said with that not so good tone in her voice " Oh my Gosh, would you look at her!" I took a good long look at her and told my wife "See you after work babe!" I couldn't help but laugh all the way to work. It was truly priceless. I have posted a picture of Jezabelle so you can see what I mean. Gotta love her!

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Super Bowl and All Its Glory!

Every year I try my best to watch as much football as i can. Its usually not a very easy task to fulfill because it takes place on Sunday. The games are usually pretty long and there is always something else goin on. I usually make extra time when the Packers are going to be shown in my area. There is just something about football that makes it fun to watch. Be it the hard hits, the strategy between the two teams, the superstar players and coaches or just watching grown men fulfill there dreams by trying to kill each other, makes the game worth watching. These players get paid unbelievable money to do exactly what they want to do in life. How many people can say that? However, even with as much money as they make and they re ability to play the game better than another player. They still can't become one of the greatest without playing with a team and as a team. By playing as a team and doing it with perfection they might have a chance to make it to the Super Bowl. This is it, the big game, the championship, the big time, the whole enchilada!! A dream come true for a football player. There are many a player that never get to see that game except from the stands. This is why this game means so much. I love everything about it. The hype is what its all about. No matter which team you want to win its always gonna be a great game, not to mention a great show. The who's who of the world will be on hand to watch. The halftime show will be huge. Even the commercials will be talked about for years to come. With this being said, next year if you don't even watch football tune into the biggest game of the year and just watch. I guarantee you will find yourself lost in the greatest game in the world. I'd also like to give a congrats to the Pittsburg Steelers for winning the whole enchilada this year. Kudos to the Arizona Cardinals for making it one heck of a game to watch!!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Dads Great Idea!

We usually once a year took a vacation to the mountains of North Carolina. It was an inexpensive vacation for us and a way to break away from our normal lives. If you've never driven in the mountains I'll tell you theres not much of a better view anywhere. However, if you drive in the steepest part of the smokeys the roads get a little crazy. If your driving at night it gets a bit on the spooky side.
So, we have finally made it to the mountains and its the middle of the night and raining. When I say its raining I mean its coming down by the buckets. With the clouds down on the mountain and the rain pouring you could barely see where you were going. The road had us all scared to death with all of its winding and twisting. On one side it was straight up the mountain and on the other it was straight down into the darkness. We would drive what seemed to be almost straight up. Then once we crested the hill we would start back down till we came to a sharp turn almost u-shaped. My dad was driving with grandma in the front seat. Me and mom were sitting in the back. You could have heard a pin drop on the carpet inside the car. We were all scared out of our wits and saying prayers to ourselves. Just as we crested another hill we begin to pick up a bit of speed. Heading straight down you could see a seriously sharp curve coming up quickly. You could also see the unbelievable drop off on the other side. As we neared the curve we all began to tense up. This seemed like the perfect time (for some reason) for dad to start slamming his foot against the floor board with a loud bang, bang, bang. He quickly exclaimed "Oh lord we don't have any brakes!" Mom quickly slapped me across the chest and planted me to the backseat in an attempt I think to save my life (older answer to car seats). I'm sure i pee'd myself a little in fear of my upcoming death. Grandma I'm pretty sure had a mild heart attack! Dad then applied the brake and slowed way down for the curve. He started laughing at the top of his lungs and was sure he had made a brilliant joke to lighten the mood of everyone. He was wrong!! Just as soon as we figured out he had lied and we weren't going to die the three of us turned on him like a rabid coon in a chicken coup. For the next three hours Dad got to hear about how bad of an idea he had come up with. Mom pretty much told him everything she thought was basically wrong with his plan. It almost seemed to take the scare out of the ride all together. To this day, however, I'm pretty sure if Dad had it all to do over again he would. Cause it was dang funny after a while and makes a great story!!!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

McDonald French Fries?

This subject doesn't have much to do with growing up except for the fact that I could eat the beejeebees out of some Mickey D food! However, I have always wondered what in the world there dad gum french fries are made out of? If these things are made out of real potatoe Ill be a monkeys uncle. You see, if you put a real tater out in the sun or somewhere for a long period of time it will rot. First it turns black and then begins to stink until it rots away as compost. However, I have seen McDonalds french fries that happened to be left in the back of my truck bed for well over a year and they looked almost exactly the way they were when put there. I mean you would think a coon or bird would've ate the dang things but they didn't. Maybe they know something we don't. I have even found em stuck down between the cracks of the seats of a car that have been there forever and a day. These french fries don't turn colors, stink and they surely don't biodegrate (if thats how ya spell it). Anyhow, the one thing I can tell you about them is they are tasty little things and haven't killed me yet. Oh, and while we are on that subject, my mom always told me that the reason I was so skinny was all the junk food I ate from fast food places. However, if you watch the news you will see that the world is obese because of fast food restaurants. Whats up with that?? So the next time you order some french fries and McDonalds make sure you eat every last one of them. Because them suckers ain't gonna go anywhere anytime soon if ya don't!!

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Bully!

When I was somewhere around eleven years old I believe. I usually played with the two boys across the street from me. They were brothers, one was a year older than me and the other a couple years younger I think. Now to give you a perspective I was pretty tall and probably weighed about half the normal kid my age. I was as scrawny as they came! The neighbors were of the redneck gender from the hat down to the boots. Usually we would play football or baseball and other childhood games young boys would play. Most every day we played together for the whole day the older of the two boys would do something mean to me and I would wind up crying and running home. Mom would tell me not to play with him if he was gonna do that stuff to me. I guess my mind couldnt remember one day from the next cause I woud find myself in the same predicament as yesterday with the same outcome. The older boy was a bit shorter than me and about twice my size. Im fairly certain he brushed his teeth with barbed wire and beat up bulls for fun. He pretty much had me scared to death. One day after I ran home crying my Mom and Dad told me that if he was bigger than me I should pick up something and hit them with it. They told me they were sick of me running back home and it was not gonna happen again. period! About three days later I was back over at the neighbors playing football in the yard. We had been playing for quite awhile with our cleats off and just our socks on. I guess the bully light turned on and the older one decided he should start pushing on me. After the second time I hit the ground I was pissed and began to cry. Crying just made me more mad because he found it funny that he made me cry. I got to my feet again and began to run home as usual. He quickly caught me and shoved me to the ground again. This time, however, would be a different outcome. As I was getting up this time, still crying, I found myself lying right next to my cleats. I picked up one of my cleats as I was coming up and in one swift motion I smacked him right across his face. Then two more time! I stopped and watched him fall to his knees. He began to cry. I began to stop and started to smile. I wasn't sure how bad I had hurt him and didn't see any blood so I calmly asked him did he care for another one or two. His Mom heard the fuss and came to the door just about the time I called him a stupid whore and ran home. I had no idea at the time what that word meant but I knew it was bad and it was all I could come up without any practice. Not long after getting to the house our doorbell rang and someone began to knock like crazy. Mom opened the door and it was the neighbors Mom and she was hot. Not hot as in Hot but hot as in not too happy with the skinny kid. Mom asked her to sit down and tell her what happened. After she got done telling Mom what happened I was told to apologize for calling him a whore. I told her I was sorry for using bad language. The lady decided that wasn't good enough for her and began to give Mom a hard time and told her I was, in nice words, a very bad kid. I was stunned because Mom just sat there quietly waiting on this lady to finish her rant. I was quickly brought back from being stunned as I heard the lady telling Mom how bad a mother she was and something about how she was raising me. All of a sudden Mom jumped to her feet and decided it was time for this lady to leave. Let me tell ya something, when my Mom decided to raise her voice it was like the devil had a megaphone. Mom began to yell many choice things at this lady along with calling her quite a few bad names. Some of which I had no idea of the meaning but by the tone I could tell it wasn't good. It didn't take long for the lady to realize she might need to leave. She quickly stopped her yacking and hit the front door like her butt was on fire and her head was catchin. After it was all over and the dust settled I figured I was up the creek without a paddle. Mom, however, calmly told me that I was definitely wrong for using foul language. She also explained to me what the word meant. Then she told me that he had that coming to him for a very long time. After that day it took a while but we all still played together. For some reason though, he never picked on me again.

Friday, January 23, 2009


Yes I did make it to yet another friday. I woke up in a great mood and have not let anything bother me today. Its friday by goodness! How come it seems to work like that for most people. I mean whats so special about friday. It use to be the last work day in the week but not anymore. Most people have to work weekends or just saturdays. However, there always seems to be something special about a friday that makes it just a pinch better than any other day of the week. Maybe its in the way the planets revolve or the earth turns. Anyways, friday always seems special to me. I looked forward to this day all week and now its here. I sure hope it makes a special day for you too. If you get down or are feeling a bit low just remember today is friday and how excited it makes ole cleotus. thanks! oh, crap, I forgot I have to freakin work saturday. So much for happy friday. Reckon I'm lookin forward to saturday!!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

My First Crash!!

I will never forget my first accident on a bicycle! It was the start of a chain of events involving bicycles it seems. The bike was a small yellow bike with training wheels on it. I loved to ride that thing around on our drive way. We had a concrete drive way with a sidewalk going from the front against the house to the front door. Then from the front door we had a block walkway leading in a curve back to the driveway. There was a rose rock garden in between the block path and the sidewalk. It was always pretty and mom kept it up. The rose bushes were huge in size with beautiful flowers. This day i decided since it was all clear to ride from the driveway up the sidewalk then around the block path back to the drive way. I made the circle probably a hundred times increasing my speed on each go round. I was having a blast. However, somewhere amidst the fun i forgot about the training wheels and got too close to the rock garden. Well let me tell you, If your riding a bike with training wheels on it and one falls off the curb you are in trouble my friend. Just as soon as the training wheel left the sidewalk i tumbled over right into the middle of one of moms beloved rose bushes. The bush being bigger than me seemed to take hold as if to swallow me up. I had kazillion little thorns sticking me all over and hurt worse the more i tried to get out. Also, the fear of what was to come when mom found out i had split the rose bush right down the middle was almost more unbearable than the thorns. I finally gave in and did what any normal kid would do. Yes, I screamed like a little school girl at the top of my lungs. Oddly enough, first aid mom also is a rescue and recovery service. She came out the door in haste and I'm sure from the screaming she was expecting me to be near death. I'm pretty sure when she seen me in the rose bush she gave off a few chuckles but i was screaming to hard to be to coherent. Mom tried once to get me out to no avail and I got a fear for the worse. She ran back into the house and to my surprise returned with some pruning sheers. Making sure she didn't clip me by accident she gently cut away the branches that had to be cut and lifted me to safety. She saved me from the certain death the rose bush from hell was trying to bring me to. After checking me for cuts and bruises she decided i was good to go and released me with a clean bill of health. This is the moment of truth and I was sure she was gonna go off on me about the bush. Much to my surprise, mom began to laugh at an uncontrollable rate. I myself began to laugh at my misfortune. I finally came to the realization that it wasn't that funny anymore and that even little rose thorns still hurt after they poke you. Mom, however, seemed to get a better grasp of the humor in it and continued to laugh for quite some while. As a matter of fact, she still to this day sees the humor in it!!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Tuesday :o(

Im not quite feeling up to snuff today. For some reason work has got me down in the dumps. So there wont be a story today. that being said, ill make sure to come up with a good one tommorrow. So today i will leave ya with a few sayings ive picked up from my parents and others over the years.
1. dont make me knock a knot on your head and dare it to rise!!
2. if you dont stop im gonna slap your haircut around!
3. abracadabra!! your a milkshake!! (after askin mom to make me a milkshake)
4. then dont do that then! (after tellin dad "it hurts when i do this")
5. i gotta poop like a cripple coon!
6. i gotta race like a piss horse!
7. its raining like a six weiner billy goat peeing on a flat rock!
8. its hot as a fresh frigged fox in a forest fire!
9. s.b.y.l (sorry bout your luck)
10. what were you thinking?

Monday, January 19, 2009

Wasp, Hornets, Yellow Jackets Or Whatever You Call Them!!

One fine day in my younger life a buddy and myself decided to venture in the woods near my house. We would play in them woods every day just about. It was about fifty acres i guess with large pines and lots of underbrush we made trails through. So this day, oh this day was special. This would be the day that i find out these yellow jacket, for lack of knowledge, can actually make a nest in the ground. You see, we found ourselves bored and wondering under the giant pines when suddenly a black snake came out of nowhere. Me being the adventurer i am decided it would be a great idea for me to catch him. I gave chase and he slithered away under the pine needles. I began to swipe my foot to move the needles around to flush him out. All of a sudden it seemed to get a bit darker and begin to seem like it was raining. It only took one sting on my leg for me to realize there were yellow jackets swarming all over the place. There must have been a kazillion of em. They did not seem to be very happy with me and turned on me like a pitbull on a pig! What do you do when your attacked by a massive swarm of yellow jackets? I did the exact same tactic i did for most bad moments of my life. I ran like hell!! Heck, i passed my buddy like he was sitting still. We didn't have a stopwatch but i can tell ya i had to do a couple hundred yards in like three seconds flat. Also, if your ever running for your life don't forget to scream like a little school girl. Meanwhile, mom seemed to understand screams of agony and met me in the front yard. She proceeded to slam me to the ground and start tearing my clothes off like i was on fire. When she got my pants off by jerking them inside out you could actually see hundreds of stingers working in and out. After i was unclothed down to just my undies we proceeded inside where mom administered first aid. After it was all said and done i was stung well over sixty times from the waste down. It hurt like hell but seemed to feel better after the pain stopped. The part that made me stop crying in pain was when dad decided to turn one of my socks mom had snatched off back rightside out. When he turned the sock outright he unleashed one last pissed off yellow jacket that proceeded to sting him on his neck!!