Grandma's Slip and Fall!!

My Grandmother came to live with us when I was still in grade school. This worked out real well for me because I could come straight home after school. She was also laid back and easy going and I got along great with her. Later on she got to where she didn't walk real good so we would basically take care of each other. I would stay inside with her until Mom got home. We would watch T.V. or she would crochet while I found something to do. It was kinda tuff being a teenager at the time but it was my duty to take care of her and she deserved my best. I mean, hell, she took care of my ornery butt for years!

So one day we were at the house and Grandma decided she would take her usual shower before Mom got home. I told that was cool with me and to just holler if she needed anything. I grabbed me a snack, kicked back on the couch for some of my T.V. time. I was sitting there minding my business, munchin away, when suddenly it happened. First I heard a terrible whoooooo sound that was loud and clear. Imediately following the siren sound I hear this loud thud, clang, clang....sounded like someone dropped a giant bag of taters on a tin roof. I knew exactly what the noise was. No Way This Just Happened!! I ran to the bathroom and yelled to Grandma "Are you O.K?" She sounded as if she was crying when she responded with "Yea I'm alright!" Whew!! Thank Goodness!! I was relieved and just fixing to walk away from the bathroom when she said those awful words "I can't get up, can you come help me?" Oh Lordy!! Well I knew how I took a shower and was pretty darn sure she was naked. This was not a sight I really wanted to put my eyes on. I asked her was she sure and she said yes. What could I do. I swallowed my pride and entered the bathroom. I tried to keep from looking as I got a towel for her to cover up with. She covered herself the best she could. I realized then that she wasn't crying. She was laughing and said "Ain't this a fine mess I've gotten us into!" I grabbed her by her hand and tried to tug her to her feet. This was not an easy task as she outweighed me by about double. I got her turned around with her feet out of the tub and with one quick pull I got her to her feet. Just my luck she didn't have the towel wrapped good and down it went. Well, being a young man at the time it was always fun to see some boobies. However, I can surely attest that Grandma's weren't made for a young mans eyes!! I turned my head as fast as I could and she almost knocked me down tryin to get the towel back up. We began to laugh til we both bout peed ourselves. I will never forget my Grandma! She was special for sure! just wait, there's plenty of Grandma stories to come!!!! Love Ya Grandma!!

The Fire??

This story is from just a couple years ago. I told ya I'd write em as they come to me didn't I? As you should be able to figure out by now, the ole brain power doesn't usually work on command.

Anyway, me and my lovely wife had finally gotten the final paper work done up on our new house. We purchased her grandmothers how because she wanted us to have it and it is by far more of a house than I ever would've hoped for. It's definitely a beauty! So, after getting all moved in and living there for a few weeks things seemed to be back to normal. We were finally back to our usual routine and living in our dream house.

Wednesday had been my bowling night for the past few years. It was always a treat cause it was just me and the guys. It was always good to see them and the competition was always fun. One night just after I had started bowling my phone rang. It was my wife and I figured something must be wrong cause she never calls on bowling night. When I answered I could tell she was in a panic by the tone of her voice. She told me she didn't know what to do but she smelled wires burning and it was very strong in the garage and bathroom. She couldn't see any flames yet. Figuring she was probably jumping to conclusions I told her I would be there in a few. I told my buddies I had to run. Jumped in my truck and headed for the house. The longer I drove the more I thought about the fact that our dream house could be on fire. I had the truck goin ninety to nothin and got to the house in record time. My wife met me at the door and showed me where she was smelling it. Sure as the world when I entered the bathroom I could smell wires burning and it was strong. I knew something was wrong now. I ran to the garage and smelled it there too. Opening the stairs to the attic I figured I would see fire. When I opened it I seen smoke and could smell it but there was no flames yet. Still I wasn't sure it was bad enough to call the fire department though. Climbing back down from the attic I told my wife it looks ok and not to worry. Quickly I began to search for a flashlight so I could pinpoint the wires in the attic and stop them from melting. Just my luck there wasn't a working flashlight in the house. This is where it gets fun.

Remembering that I had left a flashlight in the barn, I told my wife to wait and let me run get it. Scrambling out the back door I could smell it even stronger. I ran out of our screen porch towards the barn when I decided to look back at the house. Right beside the porch is the kitchen and just above the kitchen window smoke was bellowing out of the roof overhang like crazy. Holy crap!! As I headed back to the house I started yelling to my wife to call nine one one. She did and the fire department was sent out. My wife started crying and I was like a chicken with my head cut off. No way was I gonna let all my stuff burn in this house. I went and turned off the breaker box. The house was now pitch black and you could see smoke rising from it when you stood in the front yard. Already I had come to the conclusion that as soon as I seen flames I was going to start grabbing our stuff and throwing it through the windows. I figured I could probably come close to getting it all out if needed. Right about then the fire department showed up with two great big trucks and a dozen men with oxygen tanks, masks, and the whole get up. They were armed for war and it was gonna be bad.

The firemen swarmed the house like crazed wolves lookin for a snack. I just knew if the hoses came on all our stuff would be ruined for sure. The Captain asked me to show him where I saw the smoke. As I led him to the backyard he said he could smell it too. When he seen the smoke coming from overhang he yelled something on his radio and went back in to the kitchen. When we got to the kitchen another fireman came in and the Captain told him to make some access holes in the ceiling and walls of the kitchen. I was definitely freaking out now! I pleaded to the captain to check the attic again before ripping up the kitchen and he reluctantly said ok. Another fireman came in and asked me and the Captain to show him the smoke. As they followed me onto the screen porch the fireman said "I found the fire!" Not laughing a bit I told him "I don't think that was much funny!" He pointed his flashlight at an old plastic flower pot that was on the porch in the corner by the kitchen. It was full of peat moss and my wife would put her cigarettes out in it. However, this time it didn't go out! The pot was burning inside without any flames. It was making a ton of smoke from the peat as well as the melting plastic. The thick smoke was traveling up the dark wall out of the porch and under the overhang in front of the kitchen window. I felt about two inches tall and apologized as I began my apologies. He told me he was happy with the turn out especially how it looked to begin with. We came out of the house to the crowd that had gathered in the front yard. We were laughing about it and my crying wife couldn't understand why. She was still crying and getting more pissed as I tried to stop laughing to explain it to her. Finally, she realized the house wasn't goin to burn down and was relieved. She hugged my neck and said "Thank God!" The Captain then asked her "Ma,am, could you please get yourself some more ashtrays!"